*first date*
Me: They keep saying we’re destroying the ocean, but you know what the ocean is? Just one big toilet. Two parts water, eight parts feces. All that marine life taking ten craps a day then swimming in each other’s shit for a lifetime.
Waiter: Madam, your sea bass.
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[first date]
Him: I live with my mom.
Me: Living or dead?
I’ve done all the cleaning and ironing but I’ve forgot why I broke into this house in the first place.
i’ll never forget what my Grandad said to me just before he kicked the bucket
“Grandson…
how far do you think I can kick this bucket?”
Caught my girlfriend having sex with an abstract artist. He said “it’s not what it looks like”
Her: I bet you forgot it.
Him: I have a photographic memory.
[shakes violently]Her: ?
Him: Sorry, it’s a Polaroid. Is it Becky?
Her: NO
Easy come, Bismillah!
easy go, No, we
will you let will not let
me go? you go
Relationship status: the doorbell rings, my heart is pounding, it’s the pizza delivery guy. Three-cheese, double toppings, thick crust.
‘My neighbour just told me coyotes kept eating his outdoor cats, so I asked how many cats have you had and he said he just goes to the shelter afterwards to get a new cat. So I said it just sounds like you’re feeding shelter cats to coyotes. And then his daughter started crying’
[talks about how badass wolves are for 20 mins]
date: can we talk about something else?
[pulls out powerpoint on why wolves are badass] No
I think we should have a suggestion box at work but there’s no way for me to bring it up.
What I said: Please help clean up after dinner.
What my 6yo heard: Commence pirouetting.
Cat: [I am the cousin of tigers, leopards, lions, panthers, and pumas]
Me: *putting tiara on cat’s head* you’re a pretty pretty princess!
“You can’t have 80° and 30° weather in the same week”
Midwesterners: hold my beer
doctor: does this make you uncomfortable?
me: yes
doctor: and how about this?
me: yes
doctor: and what about this?
me: please stop kissing my mom
[House has collapsed]
Fireman: Your dad is stuck underneath, I’m not sure we’ll find him in time
Me: *steps nearer* GUESS I’LL BE DOING ALL THE GRILLING FROM NOW ON
*rubble starts to move*
If I had to homeschool kids because of the pandemic, recess would be 6 hours long.
You know those books that sit there unread on your night stand? Take them with you on vacation so they can remain unread in a sunny locale.
[crumpled up paper on floor]
*tries to flip it up like hacky sack*
*tries to flip it up…*
*tries to flip…*
*tries…**leaves it*
Me: you’re mad at me about what happened earlier aren’t you?
Arresting officer: little bit
Dollar Tree pregnancy tests.
For when you only want to be 35% sure.
1) Second. 2) Minute. 3) Hour. 4) Day. 5) Week. 6) Month. 7) Year. 8) Decade. 9) Century. 10) Millennium. 11) Women buying clothes.
[saturday, 5am]
no one:
no one at all:
delivery truck: I AM BACKING UP!!!!
GUY: I wish girls liked comics.
GIRL: I love comics.
GUY: Oh really? Then what’s the Hulk’s favorite flavor ice cream?
I believe it is important to be an organ donor, which is why I am willing to donate my second chin to anyone missing a chin.
‘Always the bridesmaid, never the bride’ is good advice for any best man.
I set out a suitcase to pack for my flight later today and spotted my 3 year old crawling inside it to hide. I casually zipped it up, yelled “I’M OFF TO THE AIRPORT, EVERYBODY!”, and carried it to the car. I’ve circled the block twice and my luggage hasn’t stopped laughing.
RUMPLESTILTSKIN: I’ll let you keep your first born if you can guess my name in three tries!
ME: Is it Grundletaintskin?
R: *sigh* You already know it, don’t you?
ME: Whatever do you mean, Buttholeshitskin?
He said it’s canoodle night later, and I thought great, I love lasagna.
The Scream movies were believable in the 90’s but c’mon, no one with any common sense answers unknown numbers on their phones anymore
H: Are you a beer drinker or a wine drinker?
Me: … … … Yes.