Went inside my dresser hoping to find Narnia but all I saw was that stupid guy I killed
You Might Also Like
Doctor: Would you like a local anesthetic?
Me: No, I’d prefer one from out of town.
Whoever is responsible for “tear here” that doesn’t work, I will find you.
*me looking in refrigerator*
freezer: hey buddy my ice are up here
SPOUSE: No.
ME: It’s just a costume.
SPOUSE: You’re not going to your parents’ Halloween party as “the child they wished they had.”
[mastercard commercial]
“there are some things that money can’t buy”politician: i don’t get it
Everyone on this train is pretending like a hotdog didn’t just fall out my pocket.
toilet is the exact right word for that thing bro all i do on there is toil
I’ll never forget the day we met. That’s the great thing about police records
No, you’re not fat, you’re just easy to see.
I think my favorite sammich is ice cream
*Buys world map*
*Pins map to wall*
*Promises to visit wherever dart lands*
*Throws dart at fridge*
Ugh
Even though Janice had always wanted an extravagant wedding, she couldn’t help but feel putting toilet paper on the bridal registry was a bit over the top.
[married people conversations]
Wife: babe, what’s the guys name from that movie we watched on Netflix that one time?
Me: Joseph Gordon-Levitt.
Wife: that’s it! thanks!
me w/kids:
Don’t tell anybody where you learned that.
Adulthood is getting your shit together but then forgetting where you kept it.
I have so many questions.
My husband is setting up a new cell phone and listening to him play every single ring and text tone is exactly what I imagine hell is like.
10: “Did you know Saturn was discovered in 1610?”
8: “That’s not a real year.”
In the ranking of country’s that drinks the most America is only #4. We need to fix this. Someone fix me a drink and help get us to #1.
Just dropped my kids off for the first day of school! Granted, it doesn’t start for 3 wks, but I left them w/ plenty of granola bars & H20.
the women in tampon commercials should switch places with the women in antidepressant commercials
Office morale has increased noticeably since we put a tarp over Dave’s body
From /u/rocketman on r/antiwork: “Thought of you guys when my manager handed me this. I laughed out loud.”
I wish I had the confidence of my son who just ate 3 sushi rolls before his 2 hour baseball practice.
[drive thru window]
toddler: can I say hi?
me: aww that’s sweet *rolls down window*
toddler: two milkshakes please
[fumbling with my phone as I’m being murdered]
ME: *takes picture of my home screen*
The easiest way to bundle your home and auto insurance is to live in your car.
every single time
oh you like architecture? name three walls