If you’ve ever planned anything with more than five people, then you know no conspiracy could possibly be real.
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The tea party my toddler invited me to feels more like a hostage situation.
Mugger: “Hand over your card and give me your PIN number!”
Me: “My personal identification number number?”
*he stabs me*
Don’t mess with me. I will pull on one of your hoodie strings to make them uneven.
Publisher: it’s genuinely awful to spend time with your main character, no redeeming qualities whatsoever. can we change that?
Me: it’s my autobiography.
I like to leave odd yelp reviews for fast food restaurants that say things like, “Not overly racist.”
ME [buying a packet of bird seed] so how many birds will I be able to grow?
judge: I hereby sentence you to 68 years in prison
my lawyer: your honor my client respectfully requests a year be added to his sentence
Looking at food photos online may help curb overeating: study
Recipe called for 3 eggs. Only had 2. No problem, I thought, I’ll just cut the recipe by one third.
Deep within the ingredient list, 2 and 2/3 cups of Bisquick cackled, basking in the moment it would reveal itself, far too late for anything to stop the math that would be needed
I need someone to hand me a cup of coffee when I wake up so I can have coffee before I make my coffee.
All those years of karate training wasted …
I’ve never once had to paint a fence or wax a car ….
Wife: We need a new fridge.
Me: This is a terrible day.
Wife: You can use the old fridge as a beer fridge.
Me: This is the best day of my life.
[first day as a Twitter designer]
Never mind an edit button. What people really want are round avis.
[first date]
Her: I’m really into literature.
Me: I love crime and punishment.
Her: Yes! Incredible book, right?
Me: … book?
“I’ll help you clean.” my toddler threatened
And on the 8th day, God almost created Lionel Richie but was all like “Naw, I’ll just hold off a few thousand years then one day HELLO!”
Me: What do you want for dinner?
Child: McDonald’s.
Me: I’m not getting McDonald’s.
Child: Why not?
Me: We have food here.
Child: I don’t like the food here.
Me: Grilled cheese?
Child: no
Me: Hot dogs?
Child: no
Me: Chic-[20 minutes later]
Me [at drive-thru]: TWO BIG MACS AND
The fun thing about Airbnb’s is that you get to clean someone else’s house on your vacation
I always thought it was socially acceptable to mop up gravy with a piece of bread, but apparently it has to be “your plate” and you have to “have clothes on”.
Anytime my husband upsets me, I just add more shampoo bottles to our shower. Currently, there’s 47.
My friend is trying to quit his addiction to marathons. He’s in a 55,000 step program.
I’m pretty sure my kids see a freshly vacuumed floor as a challenge.
I was cleaning one of my finger guns and accidentally blew a hole through my air guitar.
If the kids can’t find something I say “I think it’s in the car” then I sit in the car for 10 minutes on my own pretending to look for it
Parent level: expert
Bruises are your bodies way of reminding you that you should nap more and gallivant less.
Kids are like mosquitoes…
…when they stop making a noise, start worrying
Everyone was texting her good morning sunshine, so I texted her “good morning solar eclipse”
Yeah, don’t do that.
Doctor: I’m afraid we’ve lost him.
Mother: What? But he was just getting a few stitches!
Doctor: It’s just a figure of speech, ma’am, he’s right here in the morgue.
It’s so weird that AI applications keep getting forced on us even though they barely work. It’s like if when potato chips hit the market, every bag was half full of pencil shavings.