Hide liquor from the teenagers in the laundry room. You’re welcome
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My friend’s wife just went live on Facebook to discuss “astrology and the election” in case you’re wondering why I avoid my friends
I can still remember that one New Year’s Eve when I had too much to drink and peed in my neighbor’s bushes ten minutes ago
Me: promise you won’t show anyone?
Him: promise
*sends pics
H: that’s pics of fruit snacks
M: you said you wanted pics of my goods
TIP: If a friend ever says they have a chocolate lab, do not get your hopes up when you are going to their house because they are just talking about a dog
What level of petty is it when your father won’t let you watch Wheel of Fortune with him because you solve the puzzles before he does?
Him: Don’t say anything about his hair
Me: Ok
My brain: HOW hair hairy HAVE hair YOU hairy hair BEEN? hair
“How old are you” Fine thanks, how old are you
9am: Very busy day today, I need to focus & stay off the internet
1pm: did you know that Texas has the largest population of prairie dogs?
me: and make it a double. it’s been a long night
bartender: *duct taping two Capri-Suns together*
How do I even know this guy is my “boss”. I’ve just been taking his word for it
Stock market update:
Last month 401 k
This month 401 not ok
“Don’t sit down and wait for the opportunities to come. Get up and make them.”
*sandwiches
Dog: *sneezes*
Me: “God bless you.”
Dog: “I thought you were an atheist.”
Me: “Since when can you talk?”
Dog: …
Me: …
Dog: “Thank you.”
Me: “That’s better.”
This old rich guy pointed to a jungle and said I had 20 minutes before he started hunting me. He seems pretty mad that I’m just standing here tweeting.
If oats can be milk, you can be whatever you want.
I’m sorry, I’m about to lose you because I’m driving through a tunnel underwater in a canyon on an airplane while hanging up the phone.
You don’t need to write “imo”. Nobody is confusing your tweets with Nietzsche.
With the rubber gloves, face masks, face shields, condoms, and smell of Lysol…sex isn’t as fun as it used to be.
I take back everything bad I’ve ever said about the Welsh
I want an olive garden waiter shredding cheese over my corpse at my funeral and nobody say when
GEORGE SANTAYANA: those who cannot learn from history are doomed to repeat it
HUMANITY: deal
I failed my audition as Romeo through a misunderstanding over a stage direction. My copy of the script said: ‘Enter Juliet from the rear’
My favorite farside!!
[Rose from Titanic teaching her kid to ride a bike]
*holding back of seat* I’ll never let go
[2 seconds later]
*lets go*
Realtor: I’m sorry but you need to drop your asking price.
Aquaman: absolutely not, it’s oceanfront property.
Realtor: again it’s ocean bottom NOT oceanfront.
Aquaman: but-
Realtor: come on man, four people drowned at the open house.
When your band gets bumped off the set list by an acapella group you’ve been a choired
Dear student loan, thank you for saving my life. I can’t think how I can ever repay you.
Thank you HGTV for allowing my wife to think I could rebuild our house over the weekend.
I remember when spring break meant a week on Padre Island parting with my friends, and now it’s spent hoping my kids aren’t on Padre Island partying with their friends.
When a girl says “I’m cold” don’t be an idiot and say “me too”, instead say “well damn Jackie I can’t control the weather”