Husband: [wiping off dust] How long have these mixed nuts been in the pantry?
Me: Since I picked the last cashew out, I guess.
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My kid once got out of bed and Irish step danced down the hall in her sleep. Which I guess was odd but tbh I was just relieved she wasn’t in my bed kicking me.
2016: Everyone you love in entertainment will die!
2017: Everyone you love in entertainment is a sexual degenerate.
2018: The dog from Air Bud is the Zodiac Killer.
Reminder that April is Procrastination Awareness Month. It’s finally my time to shine…
Aw beans
7: are eggs vegetables?
10: no! and they’re not fruit either, they’re children!
This cheeseburger fits perfectly into my purse if I leave my wallet out
I’ll bet Medusa never got mosquito bites.
Shopkeeper:This is made of pure virgin wool sir.
Me:You see I m not interested in the morals of the sheep.Just tell me,will it keep me warm?
One job requirement for a substitute bus driver is being able to navigate with directions given by 4th graders.
Excessive use of commas is a serious
crime which may result in a long sentence.
any two men could tell me they were in daft punk and i would believe them
Jesus saves. Often. Because even he knows Microsoft Word is a piece of shit.
DOG BOSS: ur fired
ME: wait, is there any way you’ll reconsider?
DOG BOSS: no
ME: u want to go for a ride in the car
DOG BOSS: *tilts head*
[ during sex ]
Can we make a food baby? I’m hungry.
Spider-Man is my favorite superhero whose name is made up of 2 things that scare the shit out of me.
Browsing Prime this morning and clicked “Sort by Price: High to Low” like my life is some sort of rap video.
Latest election news: Donald Trump narrowly leads Hillary Clinton by 4 lies.
The best way to open a stubborn jar is to take a deep breath and recite an ancient Wiccan incantation.
When I walk into a car dealership, I bring twenty senior citizens that are dying to talk to someone, so I can look at vehicles in peace
A lot of people are mad that I broke into the zoo and dyed all the bears white. It’s polarizing.
a fun thing about Nova Scotia is that our most popular tourist attraction is a place with 4 million signs reading “you’re probably gonna die if you stand on these rocks” and almost every year someone stands on the rocks and dies anyway
“did you ever get married?”
[wife looks around her old gym at high school reunion and sees me debating if I can touch the rim] no
I DON’T WANT YOUR PITY but I’ll take it.
Why is it PIZZERIA and not PIZZARIA?
– my brain at 2:00 am
the nice thing about my ADHD is that if my apartment is haunted I will literally never notice it
“silly me, always leaving these cupboards and drawers open and the sink running at full blast,” I say, as a frustrated ghost screams into a pillow in the corner
Cop: Are you high?
Me *riding an ostrich* holy shit I hope so
Look, woman, I’ll do laundry when I’m out of clean clothes. *puts on skirt* I didn’t say whose clothes.
I’m sorry, I refuse to call it Xmas, I’m going to keep calling it Twittermas like before.
“Life Is a Highway” has gotta be my favorite song about having sex with a road
Husband: Wouldn’t it be easier to buy a larger size jeans?
Me: (on roof) Just hold out my skinny jeans for me to jump into like we planned!