“I want frog legs.”
-Fancy restaurant order or the coolest plastic surgery request ever
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[walks up to guys playing basketball]
“mind if I join?”
you any good?
Hell yeah I’m good. Toss me the orange sphere
Take on cheese
(Take on cheese)
Take brie on
(Take on cheese)
Camembert
And fromage
sumtimes i go 2 hard tho
I’ve had my air fryer running for 197 continuous hours and I’ve got zero fried air to show for it.
My daughter was ‘graded’ 7/10 and 14/10 in her homework (just to color some objects) last week and 2weeks ago so I wrote in her correspondence book that 14/10 was an error.
School replied “Tara’s Mum, those were dates. We do not grade toddlers.”
I am embarrassed for myself.
“I’m an animal in the bedroom.”
you like when people scratch your belly?
If you think my tweets are horrid, wait until you see the live stream of my colonoscopy
You only pronounce the ugh in doughnut when it’s so, so, good. That’s why American doughnuts are spelled like donut.
me: can i be frank for a sec
boss: sure
frank: thank you
My yoga instructor said “sometimes not moving is the hardest thing for us to do,” and I started laughing so hard I had to excuse myself.
There’s a whole baby vegetable industry that makes me wonder if we might be monsters.
This diet is probably gonna end in murder, but still pretty excited. I’m gonna look so skinny in my mugshot!
[space launch]
ASTRONAUT: houston we have a problem
ME: *elbows him* lol we’re gonna get mooned
ASTRONAUT: *sighs* houston we have two problems
LIFE HACK: give ur next child a normal name
ME: are u still mad that ur mother and i named u Life Hack
My excitement about your Indian food is largely dependent on your pronunciation of “cumin”.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes.
Netflix: Might I suggest a shower?
[Doctor’s Office]
Dr: I’m not going to candy-coat this….
Me: *misses bad results of test because I’m imagining a coat made of Skittles*
My friend returned a Tupperware container without the lid, so now I’m offering a reward for its safe return.
“Oh I’m not very good at that game, but sure, I’ll play with you”
My 4yo is constantly asking us if he can push buttons and it’s like…you already do buddy…you already do.
Fan girl on the devil when you arrive in hell by telling him you’re a huge fan of his food cake
Tonight during distance dinner with my friends we were talking about how much harder it is to be impressed in your 30s and they asked what it would take to impress me and I said an exorcism, so, yeah, I think I need to get more fresh air.
Coworker sneezed, and said “Oh my. I don’t know where that came from.”
I’m no Scientist, but I’m pretty sure it came from her nose.
I came to this town with only 8 dollars in my pocket and I turned myself into a success. If it weren’t for the access to another $940K I had in the bank, it might have been damn near impossible.
*CAN’T OPEN THE PICKLE JAR*
SHERLOCK: (suspiciously) Moriarty…
To those that put something in a closet, close the door, hear something crash and walk away
You are my people
[ghost writes YOUR DEAD in condensation on bathroom mirror]
“My dead what?”
[ghost writes *YOU’RE]
AAHHHHHHHHHH!
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[I just learned that different colors of the heart emoji mean different things]
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The entire scientific world: The Earth is getting dangerously hotter and threatens our very existence
Dave936 on Twitter: I was 9 in 1976 and I remember it being hot. There’s nothing to worry about, have an ice cream
A pork chop is one of the most dangerous karate moves a pig is capable of.