I tell my boyfriend I love him all the time and all he says are things like “make a left in 300 feet” and “you’ve reached your destination.”
You Might Also Like
Airports shops be like, sure you’ve got everything? here, buy a surfboard just in case you forgot to pack one
*sees neighbor put his garbage in our trash can*
ME: *goes to find hub* “You know what makes me mad?”
HUB: *points to self*
Pink has done surprisingly well as a solo artist ever since her and Floyd split up.
If it hurts you more than it hurts them, you’re probably holding the Taser wrong.
Teenage niece (talking to me while she’s driving): Could you respond to my friend’s text for me?
And don’t make it weird by putting stuff like punctuation.
[at my funeral]
Priest: he died doing what he loved
My friend Pete from the back: he liked it yeah but I wouldn’t say he loved making toast in the bath
One time I stayed in a relationship three months longer than I should’ve because the person had a flattering mirror in their apartment
Sending a letter to Netflix informing them that I’m currently unemployed and the “are you still watching?” question is 100% not necessary.
I’m trying to become a vegetarian so from now I’m only eating seafood.
Like lobster, prawns and drowned cows.
You sure about that?
THE WORLD WOULD BE SOOOOO MUCH HAPPIER IF EVERYBODY WAS A DUCK
My 4 year old told me to just turn the tire around as the top part isn’t flat. I don’t care if it’s wrong – that’s still some great logic.
“How can I help you?
Hi I’d like a root canal
“Are you a patient here?”
No
“Who referred you to us?”
No one
“Ok then why-”
I have a Groupon
When I become a ghost, Im going to leave messages in blood, but theyre gonna be overwhelmingly positive, like “You’re Doing A Great Job”
I date men whom have their life paths laid out firmly and don’t waver.
Yes, their paths are Psycho and Socio, but consistency is admirable.
My wife never catches me scoping out the hot chick because she’s too busy judging the hot chick.
Because I never explained otherwise, my son spent a good stretch of time in his childhood thinking that a vice principal at a school was there in case the principal was assassinated.
“How do you find anything in here?!”
-my mugger, giving my purse back
great news: all my boxes arrived
terrible news: all my boxes arrived
If you’re ever pulled over by the police just tell them you pay their salary.
My boyfriend asked me why I bother watching cooking shows when I cant cook so I asked why he bothered watching porn.
Getting away with an expired coupon like, yes, I am a con artist.
Son: *picks up backpack* I’m off!
Me: Where are you going?
Son: The bathroom. I hear it’s great this time of year. Been planning this trip for minutes.
[later]
Me: How was your trip?
Son: Highly recommend it. Good to get away for a while.
My husband likes a hot breakfast on Sunday, so I lit his cornflakes on fire.
*seductively unhooks bra, & two cheese balls fall out*
Me: I hope you pee your pants, teach you not to hold it in!
My daughter: You shouldn’t wish for that..you’re the one that does the laundry!
#ReplaceACelebWithAHouseHoldItem Nail Patrick Harris
Me: (Sigh) There she is.
Him: Sounds like you’re still carrying a torch for her.
Me: Yea, like the villagers carried one for Frankenstein!
My toxic trait is drinking a giant cup of water and then getting on an hour and a half conference call