Me: Well, this calls for a celebration *cracks open beer*
Wife: …you took out the trash
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[bridge]
BUNGEE INSTRUCTOR: forgetting something?
JUMPER: what?
BUNGEE INSTRUCTOR: your harness.
JUMPER: oh wait lol i’m not with the group.
Me (feeling good in my new work outfit)
6yo student: My grandma has that dress.
Whenever I destroy an ant hill with the leaf blower, I imagine the footage of the terrible blownado being shown on ant tv the next morning.
The Lion King is probably my favorite children’s movie about running away from your problems until you’re strong enough to kill your uncle.
I’ll be so mad if I get reincarnated as me
‘Nuts and bolts’ would be a good name for a diary of one night stands.
My favorite part of the Bible is where Jesus gives money to the rich, tells the poor to suck it up and asks for Caesar’s birth certificate.
God: you can climb trees, go on land and swim in water.
Snake: OMG, really?
God: pretty cool right!
Snake: you didn’t have to do all this!
God: it was nothing
Snake: so how fast can I run?
God:
Snake: I bet I can run really fast!
God:
Snake: so fast on my legs!
Her: What do you notice that’s different about me?
Me: I’ll just sleep on the sofa, see you in the morning.
her: when we go to Hawaii let’s ride a dolphin
me:
her:
me: i’m taking a plane, Karen
You can initiate peekaboo with the toddler in the next booth, but are you prepared to continue it throughout dinner? I didn’t think so.
Me: I like my whiskey like my marriage
Bar tender: On the rocks?
Me: What? No. Full of coke
DR DOG: *gives kid patient a sucker*
MOM: what do u say
KID: thanks mr dog
DD: kid I didnt go to med school for 56 years to be called Mr Dog
The U.S. Army developed a pizza that stays good for 3 years. Finally, those billions in military spending paid off. Your move, Al Qaeda.
You ever released wind at the bank and accidentally deposited loose change?
I think it’s fun that witches chose brooms to fly on, but if I were them, I’d fly on a rifle. This way when you land you have a rifle.
How do u make a Pirate angry?
Take the P out of him.
#SaturdayBears
My first day in hell I accidentally bump into the meteor that killed the dinosaurs in the cafeteria. Everyone gasps. Satan drops his fork.
I think I’m finally becoming more mature. Now when I watch Spongebob I usually agree with Squidward.
Asked my toddler if she’d work on being more careful when eating in her car seat. Her response was an immediate “No.” At least she’s honest.
Liverpool sounds like the most disgusting place in the world to hold a swim meet.
*Gandalf rollerblades into the club*
“YO DJ PLAY SOME DIRTY DUBSTE–
*slips on a drink & lands flat on face* “SCRAP THAT CALL AN AMBULANCE
Breaking news:
“Pres. Trump, how do you plan to respond to this attack on our soil?”
TRUMP: OK first, I’ve seen several people call me Tronald Dump online
[Target intercom]
“Would the parent of a 9 y/o named Jack please pick up your son at security. We’ve told u for weeks this isn’t a daycare.”
Y’all ready for this
I bought a new cat tree for my cats and they are just having the best time playing in the box it came in.
This kid at the Bar just told me Nickelback is a better band than Metallica….
Long story short….Send bail money…
“No son of mine is going to spend his entire day playing video games!” I tell everyone on various social media sites.