My girlfriend left me for a hindu guy.
Anyway, he’ll treat her better – they worship cows.
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Shouldn’t Alien vs. Predator just be called Alien vs. Alien?
Husband: I almost ate an entire pan of Rice Krispies treats.
Me: Almost? Quitter.
“I don’t know who you are, but I will find you and I will kill you and – oh sorry, wrong number.” – Liam Neeson in Mistaken
I’m writing a book about a future hurricane. It’s only a draft at the moment
Me: I got my first TOTD! It’s exciting!
Him: What’s that?
M: um, well, it’s an imaginary trophy…
H: well then I’m imaginary proud of you.
EARTH:
SUN: please dont
EARTH: 🎶you-
SUN: seriously dude come on
EARTH: 🎶spin me right round
SUN: *sigh* 🎶baby right round
EARTH: 🎶like a record baby
SOLAR SYSTEM: 🎶right round round round
*job interview*
“Youre 30? Why haven’t you accomplished your life goals?”
“Tbh I thought the Mayan apocalypse was real. No plan past that.”
A mom just told her kids the park is closing so they would leave without throwing fits.
Another mom overheard and said, “Uh-oh, the park is closing! Gotta go!
So I said, “Everyone’s leaving! Let’s follow them out!”
We all winked at each other and got in our cars.
Teamwork.
My Uber driver doesn’t know that soon he’ll be an accomplice.
Guys don’t want sex, guys want to watch a thousand movies starring Jason Statham as a former elite special forces assassin who’s trying to leave his past behind but is called back for one last job
Don’t name your car. It’s not a boat. Don’t name your boat either.
Went the extra mile today, drove right past my office.
♫ Taaaake onnn beeees ♪
[Take on bees]
♪ Taaaake beeeees onnn ♫
[Take on bees]
Ooouch I’m stuuuuung ♪
Too many
Beeeeees ♫
Label: Non-habit forming
Me: Challenge accepted
My 4yo refers to any time in the past as ‘last years ago’ which is about as accurate as when I say ‘the other day’.
#InternationalWomensDay is just a holiday hallmark made up to sell more women
Thinking about getting a nutritional value label tattooed on my inner thigh.
Bruh 😭😭😭😭
[BOOK CLUB]
ME: So last weeks assignment was Fight Club by Chuck Palahniuk. What did everyone think?
STEVE:
PAUL:
JANE:
SARAH:
MARK:
DAVE:
ME: can I ask one last question
FIRING SQUAD CAPTAIN: ok shoot
[gunshots]
FIRING SQUAD CAPTAIN: aw heck
[at heaven’s gate]
God: Tell me why I should let u in
Me: I’ve never made anyone look at my baby’s ultrasound pic
God: You can have my bed
For a brief moment, I got excited because I thought my toothpaste said anti-plague instead of anti-plaque.
[driving]
Me: I don’t know where we are.
3-year-old: I do. We’re in the car.
“Hi, I’m calling for info on your bicycle on Craigslist.”
It’s heavy, brown, has new shoes, and loves carrots. It’s definitely not a horse.
(McDonald’s bathroom)
*pulls away from kissing*
You’re better than my mirror at home
Pixar has made me feel affection towards rats, bugs, fish, robots, monsters and even cars. The real test would be a movie about coworkers.
[Jesus breaks bread]
This is my body[Jesus pours wine]
This is my blood[Jesus brings out Alex Trebek]
and THIS. IS. JEOPARDY.
*peels off yoga pants to reveal even yogier pants*
I have a type: disappointing
Relationship status: my period comes more often than I do.