It’s not enough to get up at 8 am & freeze on the soccer field. One must also scream from the sidelines so everyone knows you care.
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Juliet: *Sees Romeo’s lifeless body* Eh, it was like 4 days.
Shakespeare: *From overhead* No, you’re distraught! You also want to kill yourself.
J: But, I’m only 13!
S: C’mon you agreed to this. You’re the lead!
J: Fine! *plunges dagger into heart*
– Shakespeare Pressure
On the phone with my therapist and she is clearly going through the McDonalds drive through 😓
To the person that lost their iPhone 13 Pro Max at Costco… Please stop calling my new phone. Thanks
My kid’s superpower is finding the one show that isn’t streaming on Hulu, Netflix, or Prime
I switched to brown eggs but can barely taste the chocolate. Huge disappointment.
I dont get laid nearly enough for someone who can name five different types of pokemon.
I experienced a potato famine once; it was the longest night of my life.
Narrator: Ursula ran out of vodka.
My uncle was sitting alone at the table & I said “sitting with all of your friends?” And he said “yeah having a good conversation with your boyfriend.” I love the holidays!!!
a cool way to answer the phone is “dracula?” and when they tell you who is actually calling you say “okay phew”
Lounging on the couch, pants off while munching a Big Mac is a great way to spend Sunday, despite IKEA’s Security guard insisting otherwise.
Me *naked, singing into a shower head*
Karaoke manager: uh, we have a mic
If I were a wrestler, my fighting name would be Pain Austen.
If People Rode Dinosaurs Instead of Walked.
Them: What did you make for dinner?
Me: Arroz con pollo
Them: What’s that?
Me: Chicken and rice
Them: Why didn’t you just say that?
Me: 🤦♀️
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ᴱ*dolphin diving off a cliff*
I worked as a ticket runner during the Oakland Raiders football season. I’d get a text,
“I’m wearing a silver hat, silver jacket; I’m at the bar.”
It was the most challenging game of “Where’s Waldo?” I ever played.
It’s almost September so here’s a list of all the fun things I’ve done this Summer:
1-
2-
3-
4-
5- sweat
The first 70 years after high school are always the hardest.
I wish people would stop holding back and use social media to tell us how they really feel
I have a dream that my son will one day live in a nation where he will not be judged by the size of his boat but by the motion of his ocean.
Flatulent: (n.) a small apartment in Brooklyn you let a friend borrow
Starting my diet and training tomorrow; hope I can count on your support and prayers that I die in my sleep. Please RT.
my wife wants to take the kids out which would be great except she wants me to go too
I watched Mad Max and now I’m riding my dog around my living room using two bananas as guns
Me: I made this belt out of herbs
Her: why?
Me: oh, just waisting some thyme
Not to brag about my wealth but a well-known billionaire has recently been begging me for “5, 10…even 25 dollars”.
OKAY IF YOU CANNOT HAVE CAKE AND EAT IT TOO WHAT EXACTLY IS THE PURPOSE OF CAKE
There needs to be some universal way to say “it smelled like that when I went in there” when exiting a bathroom. I’m tired of paying for other people’s crimes.
The difference between the kids table and the adults table during holiday dinners is that there is much more screaming, crying, and arguing at the adults table.
Welcome to parenthood. Bring spare clothing everywhere you go. For the baby, for you, for your spouse, for the cashier at the grocery store, for the person sitting next to you on the plane…