“Damn you, Autocorrect!!!!” – Mark Zuckerberg, who had intended to announce that he was giving away 99% of his socks
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Me: is it too late for an epidural?
doctor: ma’am, he’s 11 years old
[sees shark fin swimming toward me]
Oh no
[its a boy wearing a shark fin hat]
Phew
[the boy is riding a shark]
Oh no
Mrs Doubtfire is my favourite movie about violating a custody agreement
Judge “The defendant must answer in his own voice.”
Dummy “This is my own voice.”
Ventriloquist “I’d like to request separate lawyers.”
on this day in 2001 my roommate picked up the phone and canceled at 93% my Napster download of Ms. Jackson by Outkast that had been going for 11 hours
me: [selects “send verification code as text” on a website]
me three seconds later: oh boy a tex mesage
I don’t have time to get to know you
Be cool immediately
[interview after finishing last in the olympics]
do you regret saying “I could win this race wearing flip flops”
[pulls mic close] yes
[1st date]
Me: I don’t mind admitting I find these fancy menus confusing. What does that say?
Her: chicken
Me: no, after that
Her: nuggets
Cop: Save it for the JUDGE!
Crook:Ok
*crook wraps up last slice of pizza in foil*
Lawyer: it’s too bad the judge had to miss our pizza party
*replaces birthday candles with flamethrowers for fun*
*wakes up in Emergency*
If I’ve ever had a crush on you, it means I’ve daydreamed about our first fight, our wedding, named our future dog, and retained a divorce lawyer.
Canadians say “sorry” so much that a law was passed in 2009 declaring that an apology can’t be used as evidence of admission to guilt
My boyfriend’s boss is scared of getting the coronavirus so naturally she has decided that instead of finishing at 5:30 they will finish at 4:30, because as we all know the coronavirus only comes out after 5
Wearing oven mitts and clicking BBQ tongs:
Ok I’ll look at that rash now.
My phone died at the gym and I had to do the elliptical with zero entertainment like the pioneers did in the olden days.
When I die, I’m donating my body to pseudoscience. I hope they’ll use it as Bigfoot bait.
Doctor: you need to include more fruits and vegetables in your diet
Me: I hear the words but they’re not making any sense
Both hands Mommy!
-my 4yo the backseat driver.
Might be time to get in shape. Halfway up these stairs and I’m considering setting up base camp and trying again in the morning.
I’ve been anticipating all his needs and trying to be more on time with all of his demands. I really hope my cat picks me for employee of the month this time.
Maybe i’m not naked, maybe my pants are just invisible?
I just accidentally swallowed a whole bunch of Scrabble tiles. My next shit could spell disaster.
People at the library need to learn how to be quiet. Some of us are trying to beatbox over here.
*Goes to the gym. Takes a selfie in front of the weights. Leaves.
Cop: Can you describe the man who stabbed you?
Me: He kept going like this [stabbing motion]
Why aren’t there more Christmas songs about revenge?
Turducken? My food rules are few, but I’d put “don’t eat a food with ‘turd’ in its name” in my top 5.
Establish dominance by signing every office card with Happy Birthday, regardless of the topic.