FRIEND: so how are you?
ME: I’m well, thanks!
FRIEND: what’s new?
ME: not much!
FRIEND: well, what have you been up to?
ME: why are you doing this to me
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Me: “What’s your favorite shoe brand?”
Person: “Converse.”
Me: “We’re already talking.”
I shot my first Turkey today. Scared the shit out of everyone in the frozen food section, it was awesome!
I knew my ex gf was going to dump me so i set up a profile called “Add Profile” on her Netflix account and 3 yrs later i’m still watching
[answers phone in crowded elevator] give me some good news…HOW contagious?
Wish my date had canceled before I shaved my legs. Well if anyone wants to go out tonight I am more aerodynamic than usual
If you don’t want your kids to leave the bathroom light on all the time don’t ask them to wash their hands so much duh.
“You crazy kids sure get one hell of a sweet tooth during Halloween” I say pouring maple syrup into their bags…
Everybody wants to save the Earth; nobody wants to help Mom do the dishes……
Fluff me with a fork baby
How come I only know the shortcuts for copy & paste and internet history, yet the cat can walk across the keyboard and open a bank account?
Them: There’s more to you than meets the eye, isn’t there?
Me: Absolutely not.
Jesus take the wheel. No that’s a book. A penny. A rock. DAMMIT JESUS DIDN’T YOU TAKE THAT ENGLISH AS A SECOND LANGUAGE CLASS I RECOMMENDED
I’ve got some sick beats.
No. Really. I need to take them to a doctor. The antibiotics aren’t working.
I bet cats are sad that they don’t have a middle finger.
Me: Here we stand before the ashes of sacrifice laid down by your ancestors.
Wife: Will you stop talking to the charcoal and clean the stupid grill
Army recruiter: “Do you have what it takes to destroy the enemies of our nation?”
Me: *Using recruiter’s mug to peacefully relocate a spider
“Oh absolutely, I’m a killing machine.”
Teaching my first English course this semester has been rewarding but I don’t know what to do with this student
Inside the heads of four JCrew models.
I once tried playing tennis with a cymbal but it made a terrible racket
“What an awesome body-”
Oh… thanks. I work out-
“- of research.”
– formulas. I work out formulas. *sips tea* I do a lot of math.
Wearing Juicy couture sweatpants takes on entirely different meaning when you have IBS.
[Arriving at party]
Host: Why are you wearing only a nappy?
Me: I was told “infancy dress”.
Host: I said “in fancy dress,” you moron!
Kid in park *crying* I don’t know where my mom’s gone to
Me: Oh no, that’s terrible!
Wife: Talk to him
Me: Hey kid *kneels* don’t end a sentence with a preposition
Boss: Have I made myself clear?
Me: No, I can still see you.
Boss: Shakes head.
*Standing in my shower*
I wasn’t being attacked, I was just really trying to hit that Mariah Carey note, officer.
broke: animals can’t go to heaven because they don’t wait til marriage to have sex
woke: u can teach a parrot to say the sinner’s prayer, parrots will be in heaven, parrots everywhere
The best part about Whole Foods is if you ask for a bag the cashier will look at you like you drowned a baby giraffe with your bare hands
*Woman throws a drink in my face but I swallow it all perfectly*
“Why don’t you want to have kids?”
*motions hysterically in every direction*
Avoid talking politics at Thanksgiving this year by getting a sweet neck tattoo the day before