This gum has my stomach convinced food is coming.
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*During sex*
Him: come on baby, moan for me….
Me: why didn’t you take the bloody rubbish out like I asked?
Apparently “naked” is not the answer when someone mad at you asked, how do you sleep at night?
When you get to jail, challenge the biggest, baddest guy in there to rock, paper, scissors in front of all his friends
Underage me: pretends to be sick so I can sneak out window to go to a party
Older me: pretends to be sick so I don’t have to go to a party
“How do you like your tea? Milk, sugar, eels?”
“Eels?”
“Okay, eels.” I say, unscrewing the cap on a carton of highly agitated eels.
Me: i wish for chips
Genie: done
Me: i wish for salsa
Genie: …why didn’t you just wish for chips & salsa?
Me: ah…i wish I hadn’t doneNO WAIT
Hiring Manager: Your resume is impressive but what experience do you have in the field?
Me: Frolicking, stopping to smell the roses- typical field stuff sir
when i am in a store i always seek out the dustiest corner and lay my eggs there
All the junk foods you eat through the holidays can bind you up. It happens. But I have a colonoscopy coming soon so the prep will take care of all that.
New Year, new bowels. Gotta look for the bright side.
sitcoms would be a lot more believable if they had 5 loads of laundry waiting to be folded on the sofa
When you wake from a dream it can feel so real that you say things to your spouse like, I’m sorry I married Jason Momoa when he turned you into a florescent beetle.
My call has been first in line for nine minutes; I won’t be surprised if the next available representative tells me I have to call a different number.
My 3yo cried all morning because she doesn’t have a shell on her back like a turtle. She wants a shell on her back. A SHELL! Kids are fun.
First person to eat a banana: this is not good
First person to peel a banana: dude guess what
Developer: We have a problem.
Manager: Remember, there are no such things as problems, only opportunities.
Developer: Well then, we have a DDoS opportunity.
My coworkers are trying to talk me into doing a Polar Plunge. If I want to be doused into freezing cold water I’ll just have someone flush while I’m taking a shower.
Never marry a girl whose mother’s name is Hope…. because ‘Hope’ never dies.
Person drinking Smart Water: It’s like I’m being smart about what I put in my body.
Me, mouth full of Smartees: We’re so much alike.
[being strangled]
me: wait stop
murderer: what
me: did u wash your hands
Gym Employee: Thats not how you operate that machine, sir.
Me: *Hanging clothes all over treadmill* But this is how I use it at home.
What do you call a person that is happy on a Monday?
Unemployed
You’re having a big wedding? Cool. I’m having a Big Mac
Her: Something’s changed in here.
Me: I put a new bulb in.
Her: Well it’s not very bright
Bulb: Okay wow I’m like right here.
Me: Was this product tested on animals?
Clerk: Yes.
Me: [outraged] I knew it!!!!
Clerk: Sir, that’s a dog leash.
Cop: First name please…
“Frida”
Cop: Last name…
“Gomam”
Cop: You’re Frida Gomam?
*peels out*
Cop: Nice, nice
[talking to my son]
Please call me Steve, father was my father’s name
I got fired from my office job for misunderstanding the meaning of 3 hole punch.
necessity is the mother of invention
Hey guys with the super loud mufflers on their cars. I used to put a baseball card in my bicycle wheel spokes.
I was 12.
I’m at the dentist. They put a bib on me and left.
Are they preparing lobster? I hope they are preparing lobster.