On Average, ovulating women prefer rugged & masculine men.
Menstruating women prefer men duct-taped and on fire.
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I’m on hold. My call is important to them.
I’ve decided to go back to meeting someone the old-fashioned way, through alcohol and poor judgment.
Stores today are like, thanks for buying this gum, please tip us 20%, apply for our credit card, and round up to save the children. Also fill out this survey.
With these gas prices forget my kids, I’m about to buy myself a pony
“Waiter, I’d like to send this back”
-m’am, I believe that’s your husband.
Who decided that we should sit together in groups while we chew food?
Welcome to your forties.
You brag about how early you went to bed and you’re jealous if someone beats you.
Okay with female deers & drops of golden sun. But always felt that “La” deserved a better identity than “a note to follow So”
[in line at store]
her: oh no I don’t have enough money
me: hey hey [touches her hand] put your wallet away
her: are you sure?
me: yeah, it’s hideous
I thought it was “it takes two to make a dingo ride”.
And then “it takes two to make it out of sight”….ON the dingo.
Facilitator: Any questions about the sexual harrassment course before we start?
*raises hand*
Me: Is “harass” one word or two?
F:
Me: Thx
Ladies, when a creepy guy asks for your # and hands u his phone, text REDCROSS to 90999 so he’ll donate $10 to Disaster Relief.
That feeling of unadulterated smugness that comes when you get the daily Wordle in fewer attempts than the rest of your family
Wife: We need to go to the store. We’re out of milk.
Me: We can wait a few days.
Wife: We’re out of beer.
Me: *dives in the car*
[excerpt from my failed job application]
MILITARY EXPERIENCE?
◽️yes
◽️no
◾️other (please explain)
while I have never served in an armored division I do have several tank tops
*fashions codpiece out of grilled cheese sandwich*
Wife: it’s still NO!
Me: I’m here for the free scoop of ice cream for my birthday.
Employee: Nice try. What does that make, 3 birthdays so far this year?
Me: *twirling fake mustache* Whatever do you mean?
Yes I can speak a foreign language if you count when I talk about the 80s in front of my nephews.
My wife said “You only love me because my father left me a million pounds.”
“That’s not true, I’d still love you whoever left it to you”
It just occurred to me that you could substitute Miranda rights for wedding vows. Verbatim
Standing by the stove, eating scrambled eggs out of the frying pan with a spatula, but in a sexy way.
peppa pig implies the existence of salt pig
I always have a suicide note in my shower so that i wont look stupid if i ever slip and crack my head
Of course I want to connect with my high school boyfriend’s mom thank you LinkedIn.
Me: I miss traffic and people
Mother Earth: IDK this is the best I’ve felt in YEARS
[space]
MARS: March was named after me
PLUTO: So, Mickey Mouse’s dog was named after me
MARS: …
PLUTO: …
MARS: I’m a planet
PLUTO: Sonuvabi—
god forbid anyone in my family is kidnapped, the kidnapper will bark complicated instructions thru a tube sock on the phone and hang up, i’m on the other end saying huh i gotta do what now
Camp counselors who choose to have our kids make slime and bring it home in their backpacks. Why do you hate us?
It’s been a week with no gluten and minimal sugar, I’ve lost hearing in my left foot.
“I’d have to say my two favorite things are sex, and not having my head bitten off.”
-soon to be disappointed praying mantis