I’m a big Kate Bush fan, and thanks to her I’ve just discovered a fascinating historical drama series called Stranger Things, all about youngsters in America a long time ago.
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god: i’m gonna make you murdery
cat: sweet
god: but small
cat: what
god: ˢᵒ ˢᵐᵒˡ
Your script should feel like a movie. That’s why, before I write FADE IN:, I include six pages of production company logos.
Quick reminder that the Twilight saga is about the classic teen angst of choosing between bestiality and necrophilia
When you take that selfie, make sure your bathroom mirror doesn’t look like a small mouse had a sex party on it the night before.
judge: *banging gavel* guilty
me: *twirling my hair* of being too handsome?
judge: *giving me a little kiss on the cheek* of murder
Idris Elba should be the next Mr Bean
My toddler is practicing counting by dropping chocolate chips in my mouth and this is the kind of math I can get on board with
Mars: I’m wet
NASA: I’m coming over
BREAKING: Justin Bieber expresses interest in being baptized. Over 4 million people volunteer to hold his head under water.
i dont know much about politics but have we ever tried turning a senator into a llama and teaming him up with a working guy to teach him empathy
Me: So, you come here often?
Him: …..we’re in my house.
Don’t pee on my head and tell me it’s raining, buddy!
(In fact please don’t pee on my head and tell me anything, this was just a metaphor but still)
Settle down, guy who brought a hammock to a public park. You’re working awfully hard to show us how relaxed you are.
HR: “You’ve put Kurt Russell down as an emergency contact.”
Me: “Yeah, I’d like to meet him before I die. Dude is a legend.”
I always feel better when my doctor says something is normal for my age but then think dying will also be normal for my age at some point.
3yo: I need you to fix this.
Me: Listen, I got my own problems. You fix it.
3yo: Listen, you got my problems and your problems.
Me: Actually that’s very accurate. Give me your toy. I’ll fix it.
Joggers are going to be really pissed if it turns out we only get a certain amount of steps in life.
Twitter is the only place where you encourage strangers to follow you. What could possibly go wrong?
Warm welcome to all my new followers from last night when I changed my avi to a skinny brunette from Pinterest
Someone is stealing cats in my area and I hope that the cops catch the purr purr traitor.
Because I didn’t know any better, I always sang “bowels of holly” as a kid.
NOBODY:
GRANDPA: *posts ‘celebrity nip slips’ on Facebook instead of into a search engine*
Hey, parents of an only child considering having one more, know that I just split an M&M in half.
An M&M.
In half.
It’s been a weird day so I’m shaving my eyebrows off.
Direct deposit: $1,400
Me: *wipes my tears away with real Kleenex instead of a stray cat*
I wish I had enough talent as a dancer to disappoint my family by becoming a dancer
If Vanilla Ice was a priest:
🎶If you have a sin, yo, I’ll solve it / read the Good Book while my DJ absolves it! 🎶
A selfie stick is very useful…..
.. as a prod to keep people out of your personal space.