Okay, which one of you asked if this year could get any worse?
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[picks up date]
*slides over hood of car* *slides off car onto another car* *slides off that one onto another car* *date looks at her watch*
I asked my brothers why they’re getting two separate ps5s when they live in the same house and can share, and they told me to go share my phone with my mum😑
My son on the morning of his prom: “Well, it just occurred to me that I paid $130 to go to my school at night.”
I write fake chores on my to-do list just to scribble them out, then my husband thinks I do more.
[first date]
Her: I love your scent, what is it?
Me: desperation.
[holding my brain upside down, shaking out its pockets] gimme your serotonin nerd
Batman
Pros: Intelligence, strategist, master fighter, money, Shit shaped like bats, Alfred
Cons: Robin
grocery shopping while hungry feels like online shopping while drunk
Butterflies? I want a man who gives me Mothra
That’s why you always keep moving. Don’t leave a digital footprint. Get a new identity, cut ties with family and friends. Keep a go-bag behind your bedroom drywall, stop watching reality TV.
That last one doesn’t have anything to do with being on the run, it’s just a good idea
Come and get your love.
I don’t deliver. Take out only.
that’s it, I’m firing that gardener
[petting stranger’s dog]
Me: what kind of dog is it?
Him: a hot dog please stop
Even if you’re fully vaccinated the CDC recommends finishing some of the books on your shelf before buying new ones
Me: How much for the round lizard
Grocer: That’s a lime
Annoying how when you go to the orchestra, there’s always that one wasted dude up front swaying and waving his arms around the whole time
The MasterChef judges be like: “I’m so sorry, Jeff. You’ll need to say goodbye to the other contestants (sad)… because you’re going back to your station (yay)… to drop off your apron (sad)…and getting a new one (yay)…that says loser on it.”
“Voop voop voop voop voop voop voop voop voop.”
-corduroys
devastated to learn that 2020 is just three 2019’s stacked in a trench coat
It’s not fair how many boring things my nephew gets out of going to simply by shitting his pants.
This woman is my idol. Free her.
The only thing more satisfying than doing big yard projects yourself is paying someone to do it while you occasionally watch out the window.
My daughter acts like she’s on the police hostage negotiation team anytime me or her mother goes to the bathroom & shuts the door.
My cat is bilingual. He ignores me in both English and Spanish.
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: writing a Hogwarts letter for when our daughter turns 11.
Wife: but she’s only 3.
Me: I need the extra time.
Wife: why?
Me: to catch and train the owl.
Why did David Hasselhoff change his name to The Hoff?
It was less hassle.
[camping]
Friend: You gonna put that tent up yourself?
Me: No, you sicko, under that tree.
me: is it cool if i add a little hat
person i’m tattooing: what no
me: ok [starts scribbling out the little hat]
You don’t scare me. You’re not an omelette I’m about to flip.
Got asked to be godfather of my niece, so if anything happens to her parents then someone else has to take care of her because I said no