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the best way to avoid people outside stores with clipboards is by carrying your own
Proud of my 9yo, who took 9 whole years to learn where we keep the dish towels.
Oh we’ve met.
If a woman wears a hair tie around her wrist you can be sure she is always ready for something, like maybe a brisk jog away from men who misinterpret meaningless gestures as every woman wants to be viewed sexually.
[me, to my brother] I can’t believe we’ve never been to Coachella
[my Ukrainian grandfather] when I your age, bear eat my wife
If you’re happy and you know it… wash your hands.
*cop pulls me over*
Cop:Had a bit to drink tonight?
Me:What makes you think I’ve been drinking?
*cop leans over and turns off lawnmower*
Just killed a cricket at work, and, long story short, I’m now being asked to audition for Riverdance.
Jealousy is a horrible green monster.
Well, a horrible monster in a tight green dress. With big boobs. And an ass to die for.
🙁
wife: [hangs up the phone with me] sorry, my husband’s trying to say he found a genie
her coworker: wow there’s a 5th ninja turtle now
wife: oh no
[dragging knife across my cheek] you should be so lucky to find my hair in your food
Wendy’s manager: you are very fired
“Eat her already!” – Animal watching people kissing
Got kicked out of the grocery store. Apparently yelling “LET THE BEETS DROP!” And throwing them at the ground is not acceptable.
“Where’s my money?” – a loan shark
“Where are my friends? – alone shark
Genie: what is your first wish
Joe: i want to be rich
Genie: granted. and what is your second wish
Rich: i want lots of money
If you trip over nunchucks in the bathroom, you probably have kids.
Or a really crappy ninja is hiding in your shower.
Why have I gained weight? I don’t get it. Is it the extra butter on the bread? The extra ham on the butter? The extra cheese on the ham? The extra mayo on the cheese? What?
Would u watch a movie about a teenage boy who screams “I wish I was dead,” but God hears “Deb,” so he turns into his 50-yr old neighbor Deb?
If you need anything you can call me any time of the day or night. I won’t answer and my ringer will be off, so it won’t bother me at all.
I stab myself a little bit every day to slowly build up an immunity to being stabbed to death.
It’s amazing how fast a baby squirrel can run when you’re chasing it through your living room.
ME: I will have 4 blueberry muffins for dinner please
DUNKIN DONUTS CASHIER: Please do not tell us that you’re having them for dinner
My grandfather was a boxer in the British Army.
Which was completely unfair because the enemy had rifles.
No I don’t carry “a” grudge. I carry like 20 grudges and keep about 50 more in storage to sort through later.
a stormtrooper’s favorite store is the one next to target
Superman: this is my dog Krypto, he has all the same powers as me
Louis Lane: even x-ray vision?
[Krypto stares intently at Lois]
Superman: oh god he sees your bones run
friend: thanks for all ur help
me:(forgot the phrase “its my pleasure”) i will pleasure myself about it
Just because we’ve been friends for ten years doesn’t mean I know your kids’ names.
Me: omg I’m so tired today
Also me: let’s stay up til 2am again and see if it fixes it.