What doesn’t kill you leaves you feeling rejected and wondering why you weren’t good enough for death.
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*A tiny bee’s eyes widen while putting on his tuxedo for his big day* “did you say Honeymoon”
I call bullshit!
Chickens don’t even have fingers.
I’ve wasted so much of my life on terrible boyfriends but I’ll never regret the time I’ve spent training my fruit bat Bing to remove all the raisins from my trail mix.
I will never have to admit to a mistake at work when I can blame the last person who quit
Elton John: 🎵Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday🎵
Me: Jesus Christ, we’re just going bowling.
Pac-Man: what’s for dinner?
Ms Pac-Man: 🌕🌕🌕
Pac-Man: again?
Ms Pac-Man: you’re welcome to eat a ghost if you can find one
*puts baby powder in a crib*
*adds water*
Someone is at work raving about how good her tofu meatloaf was that she served for dinner.
I’ma tell you now, you serve me tofu anything, and I will consider it an at of war.
Before I became a parent I had no idea there were so many different ways to count to 3.
The “baby” on the left….
One time a friend said that he “ain’t never had no nothing”. It remains the only time where I have heard someone use a quadruple negative.
hey we’re calling off the search party. we found a different guy out there we like more
ME AT 19: I’m gonna travel to so many countries!
ME AT 29: I’m gonna try a new craft beer!
ME AT 39: I’m gonna try a different cat litter
“At this point, if the Zodiac Killer is still alive, he’s gonna reveal his identity just so people don’t think he’s Ted Cruz. “ – my wife
You may be little now, but don’t be discouraged. Someday, you’ll be a man just like me.
*baby starts crying*
he’s doing your taxes
HR Manager: Some of your coworkers think you’re mean and vengeful
Me: They are going to pay for saying that
Of course bears shit in the woods, they do most of their stuff in the woods, very few bears own a house.
There’s only a one-letter difference between heroes and herpes so I’m closer to being a role model than you thought.
therapist: what are you afraid of?
me: nothing
therapist: yes, the void. it will swallow us all
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
~Little Mermaid family meeting~
Ariel…. We found this hidden in your top drawer.
*places sea cucumber on table*
Just heard they’re investigating a slaughterhouse in California for animal cruelty. IT’S A SLAUGHTERHOUSE
[taking immortality pills]
wife: but wont we get bored of eternal life?
me: dont worry, we’ll have each other..
*we swallow the pills*
me: i can still see it in your hand
Yesterday I watched a YouTube tutorial on how to install a chandelier.
Today I’m watching a YouTube tutorial on how to clean up after a chandelier fire.
This is so funny you can’t even be mad LOL
Me: Time heals all wounds.
Murderer: *stabbing me* Way to keep a positive attitude, but that’s probably inaccurate.
me: oh, I have a great ide…
wife: no
Sometimes I think I want a third kid, then I spend 45 minutes in a full pediatrician’s waiting room and my uterus tries to escape on it’s own.
My buddy’s wife put him on a strict diet, so now I earn money by selling him Reese’s through the back door.