1800’s ship captain: This expedition will be the most dangerous undertaking and we all may well perish on the journey. We should bring a monkey with us. It will live in my room.
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Pretty sure “see less from” is to Facebook what “close door” is to an elevator
Me: *washes hands 97 times a day now*
Also me: *hasn’t washed coffee mug since 2003*
My boyfriend doesn’t like when I give our neighbors nicknames like, “Beard Man” “Jolly Girl” and “the one I slept with in 2009.”
When in doubt, just do the opposite of whatever the person wearing pajamas in public is doing.
WIFE: how old is your daughter?
WIFE’S FRIEND: she’s eight going on nine.
ME: *whispering* That’s how numbers work
Running is the best way to remind yourself how much you love sitting.
the simulation is moving too fast
twitter users today:
you don’t need to go to a workshop to build a bear, most of the time you don’t even need to build a bear.
Call me a hopeless romantic, but there’s nothing like a candlelit dinner to obscure the rodent droppings in my storage unit.
Tonight’s rookie mistake: Not budgeting enough time into my 5yo’s bedtime routine to argue with him about how to spell the letter K.
My 3yo surprised me with a giant loving hug and then uttered those four magic words: “I did something bad”
Keeping a very sharp knife next to my bed in case a burglar breaks in and wants sashimi
Looks like the mayor is getting serious.
You ever walk behind someone and you haven’t seen their face yet but you just KNOW they have a mustache
I bet if Jesus had turned water into Vodka. The Bible would’ve been a lot more interesting.
*dramatically gets out of bean bag chair for 20 minutes*
I bet the kids in Mrs. Doubtfire were surprised when found out their nanny was famous actor Robin Williams the whole time.
by age 30 you really should just be in a completely unsustainable number of different group chats that all comprise of different combinations of the same people
A chameleon and a ninja walk into a bar.
Neither one can get the bartender’s attention.
[working at prison coffee shop]
I walk up to the biggest guy in there & punch his loyalty card bc repeat customers are crucial to business
Cow Teacher:
Did you bring up enough for the rest of the class?Heifer *chewing cud*
NoTeacher: Swallow it again then.
Who called baby elephants calves and not inphants
Everyone pointing out that it’s suspicious how many AI tools are free, it’s because building a tech company these days 100% revolves around giving people your product for free/at an extreme discount until they forget how to function without it, then closing the jaws of the trap
ME: i’d like to get rid of all this
PERSONAL TRAINER: you’re just making like one sweeping gesture around your entire body
ME: and my head
I’m so sick of tv and movies where the point is there are no likable characters. I don’t need to spend an hour with people I hate, I already have my life.
How did people charge their phones before electricity?
Rt to bother an English speaker
Make it awkward today by asking people what they did for Valentine’s Day.
When they answer “dinner”, you should say “no…after that”.
A coworker is being a jerk to me because I microwaved some seafood in the break room so to get back at them I’m going to microwave some seafood in the break room.