If getting a tan is wrong then I don’t wanna be white.
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If my wife doesn’t win anything on this $1 scratch ticket, it’s going to go down as one of the worst anniversary gifts ever.
Hate when other parents at school drop off act like they’re better than me just because they remembered to bring all of their children
I don’t cheat on my diet by eating pizza, I cheat on my pizza by going on a diet.
I’ve been up for 20 hours. There’s no way I could perform surgery right now. Mainly, because I have no medical training.
You play the cards life deals you. They are Monopoly cards. You are a small pewter dog and you have won second prize in a beauty contest.
At least try to make it slightly believable
*spits out coffee* VERB IS A NOUN
Nothing stops me in my tracks faster than a five year old saying, “I got you a present!”
“Are you insane? Did you escape from a mental institution?” he flirted.
My wife suggested we go to the pub separately & relive our 1st date.
So she walked over to me and said “can I buy you a drink?”
I replied “sorry I’m married.”
Paper plates don’t have to go so hard with the marketing. Whimsical floral design? I just need to know microwaveable y/n
The worst part about painting is drinking the brush water.
[first date]
HER: You smell so good. What are you wearing?
ME: *nodding and sniffing myself* Mashed potatoes with gravy.
I applied for a loan from the U.S. Government, but was turned down because I had a legitimate repayment plan
Sharp cheeses are so much better than dull cheeses
Watching the Super Bowl because I’m a lifelong fan of knowing what everyone’s talking about the next couple days.
my lawyer: deny everything
me: no
I wanted to hear the pitter-patter of little feet so now my cats wear tap shoes.
5…! 4…! 3…! 2…! 1…! RENT IS DUE!!! 🎉🥳🎉
How can I be too drunk to get on this plane? I’m not flying it.
Curious that it’s always a female computer voice that calmly announces self-destruct sequences and other violent disasters.
Harsh but fair
Mathematically there’s a very small percentage of the cat that is claws although she so often makes it seem otherwise.
Sex is like lasagna – there’s absolutely no reason for it to involve spinach in any form.
Me: one man’s trash is another man’s treasure
Garbage truck driver: are you seriously doing an Italian job on a garbage truck?
Mum, that’s not a picture of Jesus
[Frat party]
Everybody: CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG-
CHUCK: {walking into the room} ME ME ME- oh.
Taco Bell is really the only place you can still get gas for $1.29 at the moment.
17 asked if we owned a vacuum. I’m gonna need a minute
What did the bra say to the hat? “You go on a head, I’ll give these two a lift.” (I’m back to silly jokes. Probably for the best.)