[first date]
HER: I really like a man who notices things.
ME: [trying to impress] Your eyebrows make you look like an Angry Bird.
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hear me out : pockets for your socks
He who must not be selfied.
#Voldemort #HarryPotter
Gonna swing by church later and see if anybody gave up anything I want.
Millennial: Pics or it didn’t happen
Great Grandfather: World War II is well documented Ryan
I’m from the 80’s. We ate cookies instead of deleting them.
*remembers company is coming*
*checks all the garbage cans, switching out Walmart bags for real trash bags like some sort of rich person*
“Platitude” is short for “platypus attitude”.
When someone begins, “With all due respect,” stop them right there, because that is as good as the sentence gets for you.
Don’t buy Colgate whitening toothpaste!!
Label reads: Guaranteed whiteness in only 14 days…
15 days later and I’m still black.
Protip: Never underestimate the number of sticky notes on your desk when trying to appear busy at work.
BOSS: Ok so far so good. But before we finish the interview I’m gonna have you take a typing test.
LOBSTER: *looking down at claws* Shit
crazy how 2000 years ago you could just stab your friend to death if his vibes were bad. Can’t do that today. There’d be a whole dateline about it
Five Secrets of Successful People:
1. Don’t
2. Tell
3. Anyone
4. Your
5. Secrets
When I randomly walk into a room in my home and find my kids playing quietly together I slowly and silently back out like I’ve stumbled into a den of hungry velociraptors who by some miracle haven’t noticed me yet.
One of those compression vacuum storage systems but for the skeletons in my closet.
[at a sperm bank]
“Can I browse the clearance bin?”
Me: You are pretty.
She: Thanks.Me: I wish there was something between us.
She: Me too.Me: Really?? Like what??
She: A wall.
marriage advice: if you ask “is that guy a double agent?” enough times your husband will hand you the remote.
women dont read this…
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…ok, guys, theyre hiding a product called “dry shampoo” from us
[old couple feeding ducks in the park]
“Nothing could ruin this Edna”
*I scare all the ducks away, punch the old man and steal their bread
it took 26 tries to get this “messy” bun to look just right and he asked why I didn’t do my hair today, so I hit him with the shovel
officer: fair enough
Kid next door asked if I could help him with his math homework, I said sure kid right after we play hide and seek, I’ll hide first.
I don’t do weights but my 4yo refuses to walk sometimes so yeah I lift
“Next time can you make something I like?”
*my kid leaving a review about his school lunch
5: I love you so much
Me: I love you too, are you done acting naughty?
5: nope
If you see a baby locked in a car break the window and put another baby in there, he’s probably lonely.
Remember when the internet didn’t exist and we kept all this stupidness in our heads?
Good times.
If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss
Flight attendant: “will you perform exit row duties in the event of an emergency?”
Me: “yes”
In my head: “No we’re all gonna die”
HOT SINGLES IN YOUR AREA ARE HIDING BEHIND THE CORNER. THEY ARE GOING TO JUMP OUT AND TAKE YOUR PHONE, WALLET AND PURSE.