Roses are red
Violets are blue
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[Coworker] Are you smiling at your stapler?
No, just checking for spinach [Laughs nervously].
Oh, good.
[Me, to stapler] Sorry baby I had to
[face pressed against the glass case in the butcher shop] This is a bad zoo
If my reaction to seeing a spider is anything like the rest of yours, we are not going to fare well as a species when aliens invade
So I was coloring my few, grey hairs with a sharpie and Hubby walked in.
He told me, I’m the reason for warning labels on small appliances.
Him: Mmm…you smell like a bakery.
Me: I just ate 14 croissants.
The dress code for my wedding should have been red flags.
pillsbury doughdad: [turning oven down] put a dang sweater on if you’re so cold, you naked moron
My tallest finger wants to give you a standing ovation.
Bravo!
People who say everything happens for a reason should remember that when I punch them in the face.
Me: There’s a cold spot I think it’s a ghost
Her: You’re standing in front of the open refrigerator
Me: OUR REFRIGERATOR IS HAUNTED?!
If my wife calls me passive-aggressive one more time I swear to God I’m going to run the dishwasher half-empty again
At what age do people transition to walking with their hands clasped behind their backs?
I just read an Amazon review (not for one of my books) that said “it feels like the author was just making it up as they went along” and I can’t stop laughing. Like, dude, I hate to tell you this…
She: why are you dressed up as a duck?
Me: did you know people feed ducks in the park?
My grandfather just figured out what instagram is so now he says “#nofilter” after every casually racist comment he makes.
life was pretty difficult for me before Legally Blonde taught society to stop discriminating against hot blonde women
This spider just got away from me because I made the classic villain mistake of telling him my whole evil plan before killing him.
Sombrero is better than nobrero.
Someone’s 26 year old son: hey I love older women, older women are amazing I love that you’re older
Me: turns directly to dust
At my funeral –
The pastor: “She was truly an angel that fell from heaven”
My ex, whispering to my other ex: “So was Lucifer!”
If bed bugs are named because they are found in beds…how did cockroaches get their name?
I’m not saying that my kids don’t love me, but if I’m ever held hostage at gunpoint and they have to answer a “yes or no” question in order for me to survive, then I’m definitely going to die because the first word out of my kids mouths is going to be “why.”
[hospital]
Me: how is he?
Her: he’s in the burn ward
Me: *tearing up* I’m an adult you can say H-E-double hockey sticks
After my ex and I broke up, I was in a really bad place (Florida)
If you do happen to find the house giving out the drugs you should give me the address and I’ll most definitely report it to the proper authority people
imagine my surprise when i learned the word “briefly” does not, in fact, mean “underwearly”
[commercial for toilets]
°a man is walking around his house picking up turds°
There’s got to be a better way
I plan to scary-haunt anyone who says “she wouldn’t want us to be sad” at my funeral. If you’re not sad that I’m gone forever you deserve it
“We need a solid plan to defeat ISIS.”
Galaxy Note 7: I have an idea