My doctor called and said they couldn’t use the stool sample that I sent in and asked if I could give them another and I’m like “I thought you’d never ask!”
This day is looking better already!
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oh that’s just my emotional support rolled up carpet in the trunk, officer
My son plays this game where he’s a bowling ball and the bowling pins are everything we own.
God gave you alcohol, sex and music. Why do you all talk about politics?!
Bursting from my chair, I pound a fist on the boardroom table. Everyone’s gasps turn to cheers as I lift my hand to reveal the dead mosquito
Her: I just feel so alone
Him: Jesus loves you
Jesus: [awkwardly] Duuude shut up
Do not worry.
I will take your secrets to my grave.
But, oh, how crowded it will be in the coffin.
It seems I need to also make a list of all the cities I’m not going to, because every time I post my tour schedule, people ask about the cities NOT on the list.
Me: there’s a swarm of beets outside
Her: you mean bees?
[loud thud on the window]
Me: get the gun
Did you know that if everyone in the U.S. donated just one pint of blood, we could pour it over the Statue of Liberty and be hella cool?
If you’re having money problems, don’t get discouraged. Two years ago I filed for bankruptcy and now I live in a tent in my uncle’s backyard
I’m “that burger I ate is fighting back” years old.
Thanks to a fan for this one.
washing hands before coronavirus:
– turn on water
– quickly rinse fingertips
– look at soap
– turn off waterwashing hands after coronavirus:
– turn on water
– climb in sink
– cover entire body in soap
– take a few swigs of soap
– mind meld with soap
– you and soap are now one
*demon enters my body
*20 minutes later, demon calls an exorcist
[Cave, present day]
Archeologist [Finding a cave painting]
Wow! This is incredible![Cave, thousands of years ago]
Caveman [Finding paint smeared on wall]
What the…KIIIIIIIDDDDS!
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who sees you eating the chicken nuggets he said he didn’t want
banned from gardening forum for saying “it was me” every time someone posted and said “help, something is eating my tomatoes”
Actually, I want to be a robot for Halloween
-my 3 yo, just before noon, October 31
You aren’t a real Metallica fan unless you hate all but 2 of their albums
Sometimes I wonder how vegans can survive off what little they can eat and then I remember they just feed off attention.
COP: *looking at my license* new jersey?
ME: lol no it’s a cardigan
Me: *nude in class* This is all just a dream
Professor: That’s him, officers
Just heard that May is mental health month. Where do I go to pick up my supply?
sister in law asked me to get yellow onion from the store. lady it’s called a lemon
Rose petals are expensive.
Just throw Doritos all over the bed.
I was so happy when I got my first washer dryer, now, 3 kids and a puppy later, nothing short of my own laundromat would excite me
Canada’s got it right, when they don’t want a citizen, they just convince them they have talent so they move to the US. #JustinBeiber
People always say “unceremoniously fired” like it ever happens any other way. I’d like to see a big ceremony for firing somebody. Get the gang together. Order a cake. Wear some special robes.
[after discovering wine] WHAT ELSE *hiccup* WHAT ELSE CAN WE DRINK AFTER IT GOES BAD
What should we call our new store?
“Will we sell pottery?”
No.
“Is it in a barn?”
No.
“Let’s go with Pottery Barn.”
Hell, I love it Carl.