Me: I have 7 things to tell you about your house. Number 4 may shock you.
Customer: You are the worst electrician ever.
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If I had the power to time travel, I’d use it to go back ten minutes when I screwed up a handshake and accidentally interlocked pinkies
Told my 11 y/o daughter I was going to chaperone on her field trip and she responded with “but are you going to wear makeup?”
Have kids they said…
me: I’m cold can I wear your hoodie
grim reaper: no
Don’t be scared of a snake. It’s just a slimey, conscious rope that is evil and can kill you.
What I go to Aldi to buy: Bread and milk.
What I actually buy in Aldi:
Of course I consume a lot of carbs. I don’t want to get decarbohydrated.
Yes I run a porn site. It was an accident.
The best revenge is living well unless you have a crossbow.
It’s so cute how you think wearing that cross around your neck exempts you from being a reasonable human being
Trapped in a crevice. “Go on boy, get help.” The dog chews off my one free arm. “Ok yeah bring that back to town I guess”
i don’t have a lot of great life advice but one thing i can 100% tell you is don’t be the person sending angry drunk texts after midnight
I save my pooping for when I’m at work so I can say “I can’t believe I get paid for this shit!”
A girl named Ruth quit working at our office. I’ve been referring to the office as “ruthless” since then. People are pissed.
Parents are like “You left a gently used paper towel in your room over christmas. Do you need that? Want me to mail it?”
White girl: “You’re [ethnicity] but not [ethnicity-ethnicity]. Like, you’ll [mild steretype] but you don’t [severely racist stereotype]
News: Gas shortage
Me: Haha
News: Chic-fil-a sauce shortage
Me: NO
Looking at food photos online may help curb overeating: study
I hate what you’ve done with the place.
me: omg why are you so obsessed with me
cop: because you ran over 4 people back there
“Girl, are you a tree? cause-”
“no i’m not a tree”
“..cause i want-”
“why are you still talking i’m not a tree”
“.. i want t-”
“not a tree”
*leans in for a kiss*
DENTIST: stop that
We’ve known each other for a while now and we both feel a deep connection. I think we’re ready to take this to the next level. Tonight I’m going to explain the metric system to you.
Everyone talks about how good car sex is while I’m still over here trying to have sex with a person first.
Facebook is the biggest whistle-blower of them all, telling people I saw their messages.
In a parallel universe, there’s a grandma hiding in a wolf’s den, dressed up as a wolf waiting for its cub to return so she can eat it
colleges: i’m going to put you in so much debt you can’t even breathe
also colleges: *teary voice* what do you mean you won’t donate to our alumni fund
My 3yo came running towards me, I opened my arms ready for the biggest hug from him until he stopped right in front of me, wiped his nose on my sleeve and ran away
That’s motherhood summed up for you
*Handed a baby*
Awww he’s so cute. Do you have anything quieter?
*jesus walking on water*
Jesus: 12 disciples and not one of you is filming this?!
ME: Hi mirror
BEDROOM MIRROR: Hello you flawless hunk
ME: Hi mirror
BATHROOM MIRROR: well if it isn’t the hideous troll of Blemishville