I found a message in a bottle. It said: don’t pollute.
You Might Also Like
Oh my god gurrrll, he said WHAT? Told you men are trash now did I, alright gimme the tea!
When I was a kid, dad would say ‘I’d give that a minute’ as he emerged from the bathroom after a heavy night on the beer.
I vowed I’d never be that crass with my kids, so I don’t give them any such warning.
Welcome to your 40s. Your expensive designer shoes are prescription.
A wet beach towel will dry in about 30 minutes in the sun or 36 weeks in a hotel room.
I’m not saying he ate the candy canes off the bottom of the Christmas tree I’m just saying my dog’s breath was minty fresh this morning.
Just went to the water fountain at this IKEA, only to find 2 hydrogen fountains and an oxygen fountain.
Pro tip: if you absolutely must speak in court, do not put air quotes around “the law”. Judges don’t like it.
Fortune Cookie:
For healthy looking skin, don’t get eaten by a bear.
I hope the guy who stole my debit card enjoys his $12 shopping spree.
Husband: you’re late
Me: would you believe me if I said it’s because I made a healthy breakfast and then went for a jog
Husband: No
Me: Fine, my pop-tart got stuck in the toaster
I read that you should treat every night with your wife like your first date so after the movie tonight I’m dropping her off at her parents
ME: my wife and I do this cute thing where we finish each other’s sentences
WARDEN: no
Be kind to everyone you meet for you never know who got woken up at 3:20am by a kid who was “just not tired”.
[watching Joker]
Joker: ha-
me: [to my date] he’s gonna say ha now
Joker: -ha
Date: ᴴᵒˡʸ ˢʰᶦᵗ
*breaks into a McDonald’s at 2:00 am*
*fixes the ice cream machine*
Friend: hey man can you recommend a good book to prepare us for having a toddler?
Me: yeah try the Strange Case of Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde.
Hypnotist: you are getting very sleepy.
Me, a parent: I’m already there, pal.
Saw an ad for a supplement that said it adds years on to your life. This life? Are we talking about the same one?
All along the watchtower, people squinted and said “I told you we should have built a clock tower.”
my daughter just died of embarrassment when i accidentally appeared for two-tenths of a second in the background of her class zoom meeting. please respect my family’s privacy during this difficult time.
I use a wheelchair. When I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my biggest weakness is, I want to say “Leg day at the gym.”
I’d rather be liked than loved. When you disappoint a girl who likes you, she’s less likely to make a pact with Lucifer to destroy your life
“How much to hire a church singing group?”
“You mean a choir?”
“Fine, how much to acquire a church singing group?”
Back to Future II is so unrealistic not a single person takes a selfie or gets bullied on the internet
I paid a mime good money for a box and now I can’t find it.
HER: have you decided where you’re going to live
ME: I’m still on the fence
HER: that’s why I asked
My girlfriend said she wants me to make her feel like shes the only girl in the world.
So I’m gonna drop her off in the desert and leave.
SAW 14:
HELLO JIMMY
I WANT TO PLAY A GAME
THE DOOR IS 10FT AWAY
THE FLOOR IS COVERED IN LEGOS
YOU’RE PROBABLY WONDERING WHERE YOUR SHOES ARE
[stands in church]
Geese be with you
[hands neighbor a beautiful goose]
And also w/you
[he hands me a different yet equally beautiful goose]
My Dad hasn’t had to buy Irish Spring bar soap in years, when I was 9 he found a pallet on sale at Meijer for 19 cents a bar and one day I will inherit the reminder of the 900 bar purchase.