friend: you have to stop envying every single person you know when they find success in something you haven’t. it’s destroying your mental health and poisoning your relationships with your friends.
me: (immediately envious of their maturity and clarity of thought) right. totally
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when ppl ask to come inside my apartment I always say no bc that’s what a vampire would ask.
I always chalk the pool cue as if it is going to make a difference
This guy texting in metro besides me keeps covering his phone, like I care about his dinner plans in CP with his girlfrnd “Shona baby”
Of course you can trust me with your secret.
*Calls local news team
“OH MY SWEET GOD BE CAREFUL. OH- OH MY DEAr LORD GOD. HOW? HOW??” -me watching gymnastics
Characters in werewolf movies always develop heightened senses and sex drives and cravings for raw meat and never develop the urge to spend all day playing with squeaky chew toys.
INVENTOR OF CRUNCHY PEANUT BUTTER: *stops smashing peanuts* Well that’s enough of that I think
Friend: I can’t stand one-uppers.
Me: I can’t stand them more.
If science is so great why do we only have one vegetable on the cob
My wife: “What’s Twitter like?”
Me: “It’s amazing.”
Her: “OK, I’ll join.”
Me: “Oh look, Twitter just shut down forever. That’s too bad.”
What the fire inspector sees when he opens my office closet.
I always roll out of bed. Not even morning can trick me into doing a sit-up
How long can COVID live on breakdancing cardboard?
And can it be killed by sick moves?
You want me to be your daddy? Then close the damn door, we’re not heating the outside!
If you want to know what a girl will look like in 30 years, stop talking to her and show up to her house in 30 years to check on her.
[first day as a negotiator]
Me: release one hostage
Terrorist: no
Me: release half of one hostage
Is #GoHomeIndianMedia really trending? Can we respond with #NoPleaseYouKeepThem or #OkFineWhereElseCanWeSendThem
If I got a nickel when someone called me an old soul,
I could buy a hot dog, french fries, a large coke, fill up my gas tank and still have enough left over to get a ticket to the baseball game
ME: How was your first day?
MY CLONE: A lot of people dislike you
SURVIVOR: Hey, we wrote this 4 hour song explaining the entire anatomy of tigers!
PRODUCER: You can sing about ONE tiger body part:
SURVIVOR: *Sadly* Eye, I guess.
i have no electricity today bc of the snowstorm so i was forced to talk to my husband and son they seem nice.
I just put my flamethrower in my car and my neighbor saw me. This is gonna be a wonderful day.
“Hello what’s your emergency?”
Me: Our carpet has got this stain on it and….damn they’ve hung up
Gf: WTF did you even tell them I’ve been stabbed?!!
Me: Amy, I think I know how to tell a good anecdote
This painting is titled “Mother, May I Sleep with Danger?”
Life hack: giant marshmallows make cheap teeth whitening strips
Every time my husband wakes me up to tell me I’m snoring we end up having sex. I’m beginning to question whether or not I snore.
A good way to make friends is to crawl under the bathroom stall quickly before they can get away
13: so I’ll only have this asthma for a little bit?
Me: yes
13: so this is like, Limited Edition Asthma?
Me: ☠️☠️☠️ 😂 SEASONAL it’s seasonal asthma
Dora the explorers parents don’t give any kind of shit about Dora. She’s 7 and she’s flying planes and shit to South America with a monkey!
BREAKING NEWS
Justin Bieber said… And I quote, “Only God can Judge me!”
THIS JUST IN
…Apparently I’m God.