Still cracks me up
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I have a memory like one of those big grey things you know the ones I mean.
Cw: What are you having for lunch?
Me: Unwelcome company it seems.
My life coach just asked me leave because apparently she has “other pedicures to do” and doesn’t “speak English”.
I hate when the hot person in my peripheral vision turns out to be a mannequin.
Since I got my iPhone eleventeen last week I have taken about 47 screenshots of my Home Screen just trying to turn the gd thing off.
[tattoo parlor]
“WHAT THE HELL IS THIS?!?”
“You said you wanted something that said that life is all about taking-“
“Wisks!”
“Right. That’s why I-”
“I’m weally disappointed.”
Hit 1,000 followers and a 100 star tweet on the same day! Do you know what that means?!
900 of you don’t read my shit.
What did the llama say to his date?
“Want to go on a picnic? Alpaca lunch.”
If the new Joker musical doesn’t have Lady Gaga singing “Joker Face” what’s the point??
Boss “I’m looking for a volunteer.”
Me *chops off own legs “I can’t!”
Co-worker “I’m busy, sorry.”
Me “damn, that’s a better excuse.”
Every time I stop, someone always tries to peer pressure me into hammer time.
Listening to classical music while in the bath makes me feel like a mobster.
A mobster who will die in some spectacular fashion.
6:There’s a monster under my bed
Me:That’s silly! There’s no such thi..OH GOD IT’S EATING MY ARM
6:SCREAMS
ME:KIDDING it only eats kids
In honor of the eclipse, I will also get in the way of someone brighter than me.
my girl’s so sweet she always texts me Disney lyrics when she’s away with our mates like “you’ve got a friend in me”
Someone is yelling!
The voice is familiar…
How they rave and they rant!
Is it Jackman?
Or, Laurie?
Hefner or Grant?– Horton Hears a Hugh
What fool called it a submarine chef and not a pressure cooker?
Night terrors are cool and all, but why wait?
Her: Sure! I’d love to go out with you
Me: Noice.
Her: I just remembered I’m busy that day.
If you think going for a drive isn’t cardio, you haven’t been in my passenger seat.
[animal noises] it’s only those with a destination who can be lost
I want to believe in hope as much as someone who thinks that somebody might buy their old used shoes on Craigslist for $20.
Should I get mad at my boyfriend for not looking at the Instagram story I posted ten min ago? He’s been driving for the last hour
Me: I think I’ll leave my car windows cracked so it’s not so hot later
Pollen: lol, ok
Excuse me, waiter, there is a spy in my soup. It fell out of the balloon in the sky.
*rips finished page from adult coloring book*
*puts it on daughter’s toy kitchen fridge*
If Oprah took over Favstar, everyone would get a trophy.
Picture someone you think is kinda/sorta attractive.
Now picture them holding a pizza box.
pretty sure the fire pigeons aren’t gonna care about your silly little sign