I didn’t win the lottery, but I did find $60 in my husband’s jacket pocket this morning, so…
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i wish it was legal to speak up during a haircut if theyre doing something you dont want. sadly you just have to sit there
Go see American Sniper. Or go to your buddy’s house and watch him play Call of Duty for two hours
I can’t believe Halloween was 10 pounds ago.
How do I like eggs?
Ummm…in a cake!
Cell Phone Manufacturers: We’re gonna release a brand new more advanced model.
Apple: We’re gonna release this shit in White. WHITE.
Gets drunk.
Drunk: Oh I’m so gonna get you back.
therapist: and what did we say you should do when you’re feeling upset?
me: order a large pizza and eat it in the shower while thinking of ways to avenge those who hurt me
therapist: no
A conspiracy board but for when we are trying to figure out what we want for dinner.
*Dad enters room dressed as Han Solo*
“May divorce be with you”
“What?”
“Your mother and I are getting a divorce. I figured I’d make it fun”
Apparently when your wife says “let’s make a baby,” she doesn’t mean assemble an infant from clay and chant The Old Words inside a pentagram
I get more offended when my dog doesn’t say hi when I get home than if my kids don’t acknowledge my presence.
🤣
An absolute travesty that in this day and age we don’t have an app for tracking ice cream men.
The advantage of being an adult is that I can totally do whatever I want. Unless it interferes with my kids’ school or swim practice or homework or when they fight or when they’re hungry or tired.
Coworker: By your age I was on my 3rd child already.
Me: Wow that’s a lot of kids to eat in a such a short period of time.
Me: Back to school tomorrow! Everyone ready?
14: Yeah, let me check if I have any homework.
He’s been off for 17 days.
*gets home from game*
“whoa what happened to your eye”
I was on the Kiss Cam
“oh she wasn’t into it?”
with the t-shirt cannon guy’s daughter
someone described my girlfriend’s skin as “sun-kissed” recently and now the sun’s about to catch these hands
One thing about me, I’m a clear communicator
Most guys that think they know everything about women usually lack one thing…. A woman.
Whenever I’m about to give a speech in front of an audience, I imagine myself naked.
Wait, what
{after 1st date}
Her: *texts* I left my keys in your car. Locked out. It’s freezing.Me: *waits 3 days to reply so I don’t look desperate
(standing in lava taking 20 damage a second) augh eurgh ugh augh augh ugh eurgh ohhg
Still super weird to me that humans can make other smaller humans. I wish mozzarella sticks could make other smaller mozzarella sticks.
What do you mean, “I need space,” are you okay oh my god do you need me to come over and bring space
I hurt my back making tater tots. The directions said bake 16 minutes and flip halfway.
My kid showed me a black paper and said, he has drawn a black panther but it is night time.
He has made two blue dots for eyes tbf.
I love triscuits. It’s like eating a basket
Marriage is for people who want their break ups to involve paperwork.
What’s up with you needing to tell me you’re a ‘native New Yorker’ thru your license plate? Is it like ‘babe, we should move over. There’s a native New Yorker coming up behind us’?