When people ask me for something at work I say, “Sure! Let me see here..” and rummage around in my desk drawer until they leave
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[grounding my son]
me: THAT’S IT! You’re out of the school play!
wife (whispering): he doesn’t actually care about that play
me (whispering): I know, I just really don’t want to go to it
Everyone on FB is posting the status- I voted. I guess it’s truthful Tuesday so I posted- I once killed a hobo & hid his body in a barrel.
kids in 2050 trying to study the 2019-2022 chapter of history for a test
My wife said she for Lent she was giving up eating meat. I thought she did that after the wedding vows.
[speed dating]
HER: I guess I’m just looking for someone who’s like my father
ME [trying to impress]: a bunny’s favorite music is hip hop
After 9 months and 347 pics of you being pregnant you REALLY only need to post one pic of the baby as proof.
We believe you.
I stand right next to the “God Hates Fags” guy with a sign that says “Please Ignore My Ex-Boyfriend”
Doesn’t everyone lie on a first date and say they love the outdoors just like they lie in an interview and say they’re proficient at Excel?
Sorry I got confused & grabbed your fist bump like a doorknob.
The vegetable crisper or as I call it, the cold garbage can.
So silly when you lose the cursor and also any sense of rationality so you just begin frantically shaking the mouse like a cop trying to force a suspect to reveal where they’re hiding it.
The negotiation skills of my 6yo about how many more bites she has to eat make me want her on my side the next time I make an offer to buy a house.
My kids just watched this video where two You Tubers stopped playing piano to fight each other with knives.
Me: Wow, you two really like comedy
Son: Who doesn’t like comedy?
Daughter: Who doesn’t like knives?
Lawyer: You’re looking at life without parole
Client: [Breaks down crying]
Lawyer: Hey it’s ok I’ve never had a parole either
If a coworker asks to borrow your pen – sniff it and say, “I think this one is safe” and see if they’ll take it from your hand.
Single and childfree like Jesus
I date men whom have their life paths laid out firmly and don’t waver.
Yes, their paths are Psycho and Socio, but consistency is admirable.
Heroic fire saves man from having horrible house
My kids have been helping our neighbors in their garden and now I’m having Children of the Corn flashbacks.
Employment Agency: We got you an interview with a cable company, doing installation.
Me: *shows up to interview 3 hours late*
Interviewer: Oh my God… You’re hired.
Some people smoke cigarettes, drink, post too much on social media…I wait for a windy summer day, find a wedding in a park, show up and release thousands of sheets of paper, tripping after them down the aisle through the crowd wailing “my novel!! my novel!”
I just fell over putting on my underpants. Vengeance most surely will not be mine.
Forgot the word tree so I just said bush on a stick
[Company Christmas luncheon]
Coworker: Nice, so you’re entering the ugly sweater contest?
Me: Ugly sweater contest?
“oh no, this is so scary or whatever lol”
-giraffe in quicksand
i get all my pet peeves from a peeve rescue
If you weren’t supposed to stab people then they wouldn’t have been made so squishy.
Forget a beach bod I want a bat’s bod give me giant fangs and the long, leathery wings I need to rule the night