mom: you’re 42 years old I’m not reading you a bedtime story every night
inventor of the audiobook: if you won’t, I’ll find somebody who will, Ma
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I sexually identify as an avocado.
Not in the mood.
Not in the mood.
Not in the mood.
Oh yes tonight is the nigh-
Too late, I’m over it.
so apparently it’s still a dui even if youre the birthday boy
THEM: in 186 days an asteroid is going to collide with Earth
EVERYONE ELSE: *screaming*
ME: *deletes MyFitnessPal app*
Watch my hands when I say “latitude” or “longitude.” It’s as much for my benefit as yours.
My kid announced he’s counting to Infinity. It’s been five minutes and he’s on 39. Send help.
funny how dumbass pet animals will eat the same thing every day without realizing that Subway® offers over 19 different ways to Eat Fresh™
Yes I am the only parent at this basketball camp who snickered when the coach said during a drill ‘you need to pound it between each leg split.’
(Job interview)
“How would you describe yourself?”
I’m very vague
“Ok, can you be more specific?”
No
The running up the steps scene from Rocky, but it’s a penguin, and it takes four and a half hours.
My therapist keeps telling me to stop comparing myself to other people—that life’s not a competition.
Which, to be fair, is exactly what I’d say to someone I was trying to beat, too.
Son: Do you know what Sin City is?
Me: Las Vegas.
S: Okay do you know what Den City is?
M: I have no clue.
S: Mass over volume.-I almost said Denver 🤦♀️
If you put your face really close to a neck tattoo & slowly pull away, you can see a hidden design of the unemployment office.
Someday my kids are going to eat their own pizza crusts, and then I’ll have nothing for dinner.
[moses parts sea]
Slaves: wow! Why we running away if u can do shit like that? Lets go back & claim the pyramids
Moses: thats my only trick
Playing dead for the alarm clock doesn’t seem to be working
[pearly gates]
st peter: welcome everybody-
*i run up and slam dunk an imaginary ball thru his halo and then hang on it like it’s the rim*
Just injected myself with bleach and as far as I can tell nothing is hapxczfdszg vhrwxx
$&8766bfdgjkklk vbczzsawq
I always say I heat up pizza rolls in the oven because they taste better that way but the truth is the amount of them I eat won’t fit in the toaster
Everyone is freaking out because I brought my own gavel to court, no one knows if I’m allowed to do this, the judge is crying
KID: I don’t need a coat
ME: baby, it’s cold outside
KID: I don’t think it’s cold
ME: it really is cold outside
KID: I will not be cold
ME: I promise it’s cold outside
[twenty more minutes of arguing]
ME: fine let’s just go
KID: daddy it’s cold outside
Me: Time to carry me to bed, babe.
Him: That was one time.
“What fruit or vegetable extract have we not said was good for your hair yet?”
~Shampoo developers probably
ME *rings wife* should I get one bagel or two?
WIFE: Two!
ME: Ok *nods at tattoo artist* so one on each arm
if you mash a potato and then change your mind, just mail me the mashed potato and i will un-mash it and send it back
I can see the appeal of golf, the only sport where the winner is the one who does the least.
The worst thing about wearing a turtleneck is not being able to get up off of your back if you fall over.
today i imagined a fleetwood mac cover band called meatwood flack and then made my brain apologize
I’ll never understand why anyone would want to kidnap a child, kids suck.
[dragging knife across my cheek] you should be so lucky to find my hair in your food
Wendy’s manager: you are very fired