My tupperware bowl just reminded me that I had spaghetti in 1999.
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Cop: What happened?
Me: A Smart Car hit one of those little Fiats.
Cop: Can you describe the accident.
Me: Adorable?
I suffer from premature procrastination. It’s when you procrastinate before even receiving a task…
Teaching my kids math like, “If Disney opens at 8am and closes at 8pm, how many 5-hour energies will Mommy need to bring?”
I want to be cremated when I die, or at the very least sautéed.
landlord: i’m raising your rent
me: am i getting more house
It’ll never work, we have very different definitions of words like talented, celebrity, amazing and intelligent.
How do American chickens cross the road? In a bucket.
Columbus: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Well–
Columbus: *just yanks me out of my car and drives off in it*
Her: In case you’re interested, I’m dying.
Me: Then I’ll only set one place for dinner.
Does anyone remember that annoying song Barbie Girl by Aqua?
You do now.
If your online dating profile says “I don’t have sex on the first date” then that’s why you’re on a dating website.
cop searching my car and finding little notes i hid everywhere that say i love the police
‘Brexit’ to be followed by Grexit. Departugal. Italeave. Fruckoff. Czechout. Oustria. Finish. Slovakout. Latervia. Byegium.
judge: *banging gavel* guilty
me: *twirling my hair* of being too handsome?
judge: *giving me a little kiss on the cheek* of murder
i was in target and a little kid came up to me asking if i could watch something for him while he looks for his momma and i said yes, so he handed me a half-eaten chicken nugget
A woman just left the liquor store without buying anything.
I can only assume she was dropped on her head as a baby.
Bruce Willis calls the cops to report the pug that’s been chasing him. The line is silent except for soft panting. the operator barks
I found the perfect sign for my ‘horse haters’ club
You think you’re cool and then you see a video of yourself running.
When the party host collects everyone’s coats and throws them on their bed, I just stay in mine and take a nap among the jackets.
Devil worshipper leader: “Due to a typo we have summoned the wrong demon.”
Stan: “Hey there.”
Is there an app that makes the flatline noise? Bet I could freak out some nurses.
Ok I’ll bite, what is elon musk
Jennifer on Facebook hates being sick.
Really Jennifer? Most people love it.
Friend: when you first meet, tell her she looks prettier in person
Me: ok
[Later]
Her: Hi!
Me: Hi you look uglier online
[blind date]
HER: i love classic rock
ME: (trying to impress) i’ve been to Stonehenge
WHAT DO WE WANT!!!
A cure for hangovers
WHEN DO WE WANT IT!!!
Please stop yelling
Ski instructor: this is a dangerous sport. One mistake could lead to a broken leg
Horse: I want to go home
“you are strong. you are smart,” i whisper to myself as i struggle to figure out whether to push or pull on a door
Alexa, take down my Christmas decorations.