I hate when I’m drunk and someone says “I’ll talk to you in the morning” like I’m not gonna be drunk then too.
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PRINCE: Rapunzel, Rapunzel, let down your hair!
RAPUNZEL: (to hair) you’re really sweet but I think we should just be friends
We get it, cacti, you have great biceps.
Don’t you love it when you’re doing a nude selfie in a leather harness and you accidentally press answer on your mom’s face time?
ME: where ya headed after Denver
PILOT: flying into Boulder
ME: omg *whispers* I need to warn the others
Explaining to my future spouse that I’ll never retire bc I bought too many treats in the summer of 2023
me: just bear with me
bouncer: yeah no he can’t come in
My mispronunciation of French words is a touché subject.
Untangling Christmas lights is the closest my wife and I have ever gotten to S&M.
When I see a dog tied up outside a store I immediately assume it’s been there for years & set it free.
[at the mall]
LITTLE KID: i’m lost
ME: you’re at the mall
I wish my credit card was like me and had 0% interest.
If you ever see me with one of those stick figure family bumper stickers it means I’m dead and someone is wearing my skin
YOGA CLASS
INSTRUCTOR: And now we go into downward dog
*loud thud
GARY WHO IS A T-REX: I’m ok. I’m ok. It’s just a bloody nose.
Read the tweet above this one and then the tweet below it. People paid FORTY-FIVE DOLLARS PER SHARE FOR THIS.
Pro tip…Excessive use of alcohol can cause memory loss or worse memory loss.
[Shark Tank]
ME: I have discovered a microbe that consumes plastic
MARK CUBAN: And why do you need our money?
ME: It ate my credit card
Up until five minutes ago I thought Coachella was a Disney Princess who made expensive handbags.
The Fast and the Furious is my favourite movie about me running away after dropping a vase in an antiques store
Played Monopoly with a kid & argued that I CAN buy the jail.. Teaching him a valuable lesson about the privitisation of the prison system.
[first day as a ninja]
me: *sneaking in*
him: I’ve been expecting you
me: how
him: dude, I heard the tic tacs rattling in your purse from a mile away is this your first day
There’s never been a single day in my life when I thought to myself ” thank god the cops are here”
I covered my boyfriend’s laptop in melted cheese and now he’s really mad at me. I mean, what did he expect when he asked for Mac and cheese?
Some people are like water balloons; they’re more fun when you throw them out the window.
I let my hair dry naturally after swimming in the ocean and now I’m the star of a Whitesnake video
When society eventually breaks down and we are left to rebuild civilization, I hope there are people who still know how to make cheese.
This day in history. 1961. In Spain the fascist government of Generalissimo Francisco Franco declared equal rights for women and men. None.
WIFE: I thought you said you were going to the gym.
ME: [playing Pokémon Go] I’ve been to like 3 of them today. What are you talking about?
My wife wanted me to take her to one of those restaurants where they prepare the food in front of you.
So, I took her to Subways.
I would like a mode of transportation that only allows me to travel a foot at a time with maximum effort requiring stellar balance.
*pogo stick inventor* I got you.
When I was in 6th grade, I asked a girl out with a note and she wrote back “Maybe :)” so idk man I might have plans tonight.