A guy on Catfish dated a girl for 4 years despite only seeing ONE picture of her. I wouldn’t buy a futon on Craigslist with only one pic.
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Guy who invented the spelling of bologna: shoplifting is a misdemeanor but murder is a felogna
Hey guy in your car behind me, Your honking isn’t going to make me type any faster.
1st Guy: So it’s agreed we’ll call it “4 Guys Burgers and Fries” .
2nd Guy: I think we should call it “Four Guys” instead of “4 Guys”.
3rd Guy: I agree.
4th Guy: I actually prefer “4 Guys”.
1st Guy: I think we’re going to need a fifth guy.
Jack Black is trending? Hey if it’s 1998 again maybe I can fix some mistakes
Remembering the time the hubs and I bought a bunch of candy for Halloween but no kids came to our door so we just drove around town begging kids to come get it from our car….Probably coulda used another brainstorming sesh on that one
Do guys with big trucks realize the only big trucks women find sexually attractive are food trucks?
My daughter told me I look like I’m in my 20s so I gave her 2 brownies for breakfast.
My cat hissing at an empty chair is why I sleep in the attic.
I can’t wait for tomorrow when all of the April Fools’ Day chocolate is on sale.
my therapist told me to have an image to focus on when i think there is no hope
I hate feeling like I’m racing against someone in a grocery store aisle. Like aren’t we grownups here? Anyway, I won.
It’s been a horrible morning so far. My ex got run over by a bus, and I lost my job as a bus driver 🙁
The judge scolded me for trying to get a crowd wave going during my trial, but deep down I think he thought it was pretty damn cool.
My daughter put a horse’s head in my bed this morning. It was from an animal cracker but conveyed the message pretty clearly who is boss.
My tinder profile shows me crying holding a mediocre fish.
We weren’t traipsing, Mom. We are rapscallions. We galavant.
Me, since I was 5: I wish I had curly hair!!
Life: Okay, I’ll give her only one curly hair that’s gray and sticks straight up in her mid thirties.
You know you’re watching Star Wars with Catholics when every time you hear “May the Force be with you,” you hear, “And also with you.”
My computer crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see what’s happening.
First, that jerk cut me off in traffic, then he stole my parking space, and then his stupid car got paint on my key!
ME: [on my deathbed] this is pretty nice
MATTRESS STORE SALESMAN: sir, you can’t die here
[Job Interview]
Boss: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: *pulls laminated card out & hands it to him*
Card: “My over-preparedness.”
If you are wondering how many ketchup packets you can put in a Holiday Inn hot tub before people stop going in, the answer is 9.
A baby proofing service where I sic my toddler on your house so you can see exactly where you need to baby proof.
If you’re not writing, that’s fine, but just know that someone else is. So, if you really want to be successful, figure out who it is and get them to stop.
I’ve never been on Jeopardy, but I have put a 4yo to bed, so I know what it’s like to be asked about things you never even heard of.
Guy at the cake shop: So is this for a friend?
Me: No, it’s for me.
Apparently it’s weird that I’ve had 9 birthdays this year.
me: [to woman next to me] blow on it for luck
craps dealer: no soup at the table
Food that tastes nothing like its name:
egg roll
pineapple
hamster
Do you think when Spider-Man gets stoned with Batman and the Hulk he sometimes thinks the spider on his chest is real and freaks out?