yeah I’m excited for Dune 2
dune 2 others as you would have them dune 2 you
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You said imagine my life without you…
So I closed my eyes & am on a beach with a man who knows how to change a toilet paper roll.
If you’ve already seen a bunch of poodles jumping rope in unison today, just keep scrolling. 🐩 🐩🐩🐩🐩🐩
PLOT TWIST:
WIFE: I don’t like pre Christmas, mainly because I’m so bad at buying presents.
ME: You just put them on the counter and give the checkout person money, Sharon.
HER: I hate you.
“My wife is going out to Thanksgiving dinner with her extended family but I’m staying home. It’s not safe.”
“Covid.”
“Toddlers.”
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of relaxing during weeknights we can go to seven practices and relearn algebra.
Sam: Welcome to Multiple Personality Club.
Sam: No one else is here.
Sam: You’re here.
Sam: I’M YOU, STUPID!
Sam: OK EVERYONE CALM DOWN!
Me: Please throw your trash away.
Child: I’m too tired!!
Same child 5 min later: [does nonstop super sprints at the park for 3 plus hours]
All I’m saying is the babysitters club made me think taking care of kids would be a lot more fun
I should go back to school –> I should take an online course –> I should watch tutorials on YouTube –> I should watch news bloopers on YouTube –> I’m hungry
Ann Coulter has managed to stay so thin because the last solid meal she ate was Hansel and Gretel.
Differences between coffee and sex:
– I had coffee before and after getting married
– I can have coffee with my wife’s sister without it being a big thing
– I’ve never paid $300 to have coffee
– I am encouraged to have coffee at Starbucks
Dinner then: lean protein, fresh vegetables, good carbs
Dinner now: on the rocks
Him: I gave up drinking, partying and casual sex for the new year
Me: I gave up.
Drinking, partying and casual sex for the new year
Golfer: *lining up his shot* what do you think?
Me (first day as a caddy): *reaching for a club* i think you should try your best
when I die I want to go to heaven to see my grandpa, but only if he’s learned to keep his bathrobe tied
My neighbors were up shouting all night. I could barely hear my bagpipes.
am dying at this guy in the abercrombie&fitch netflix documentary explaining the concept of a shopping mall
As much as I love making terrible science puns I understand why they need to be periodically tabled
Executioner: say your last words
Me: your last words
Executioner: I’m gonna enjoy this one
[drops a pinch of fish food into fish tank]
ME: here ya go little buddies
FISH: oh wow pukey shit flakes again, thanks man
THE WORLD WOULD BE SOOOOO MUCH HAPPIER IF EVERYBODY WAS A DUCK
DATE: I’m just looking for someone who goes with the flow, you know? Someone chill.
ME: [has a small panic attack whenever a shop assistant asks if I’m looking for anything in particular] *nods*
they should make cans that open quietly
..she tweeted for no reason at 3:25 am while her bf slept soundly
Starting a ride sharing service where you have the option to hook up with your driver called Ecarmony. Send.
I’ve got 11 lava lamps and every time a girl comes back to my place, she leaves almost immediately. I need more. 14 lava lamps.
That pile of clothes on my bed, seems to have strange powers and gets higher on its own
Tombstones should just say how old the person was. I don’t wanna walk around doing grave math.
I hate all this sex on the TV
I keep falling off.
Note to self:
When the wife asks “Do you like my new hair”, don’t reply with “It’ll grow back, right?”