My wife found out I was cheating when she found the letters I’d been hiding.
She said, she’s never playing Scrabble with me again.
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Keep hiring mermaids, but they don’t clean worth a damn, the place always smells like fish, and they leave scales everywhere.
Welcome to your 40s: time to go slap mulch bags at home depot.
Me: nice car
Friend: yeah 400 horsepower
Me: that’s like 7000 ducks
Friend: what
Me: what
I have 2 cats and 2 dogs so I feel comfortable giving parenting advice. Mostly you have to check how much protein there is in the bag before you buy them food.
Microdosing being a pigeon by delivering a letter.
Pigeons are the dandelions of the animal kingdom: unappreciated, plentiful, and when you give a bouquet of them to ur mom she won’t like it
Me: come here often?
Her: THIS IS MY BEDROOM IM CALLING THE COPS
God: *creates sunset*
Angel: That’s beautiful. What purpose does it solve?
God: *creating Instagram* You’ll see.
Jacob Marley: You’ll be visited by 3 gho—
Me: *already applying lipstick* Are they hot?
Test results are in, you might want to have a seat
“I’d rather stand”
Are you sure? You have “Falls Down When Gets Bad News” disease
*Thud*
me before I type out affect or effect
If we spell Jeff as Geoff then why not
– Geosh
– Georemy
– Geonathan
– Geonnifer
– Geacob
– Jreg
I used to be sad about the climate apocalypse but i went on a few dates and, honestly, i’m ready now
it’s ok if no one “gets” you; do what’s right for you. avoid people who make you feel bad. entomb your enemy, alive, in a wine cellar. become a lighthouse keeper who guides phantom ships to the underworld. you do you.
[at the race]
“RUNNERS ON YOUR MARK”
Mark: ouch!
“I’m not a violent person but people can change”, I whisper as someone takes a bite of my food.
love getting up in the middle of the night to make myself a little chaos snack. sure i’ll put chicken nuggets and cheese sticks in a tortilla. it’s 2 am god can’t see me here
Get your hero name by doing something brave and seeing what the newspapers call you.
I’m Local Man.
Siri says she is sorry but I’m not sure she means it
Go ahead, criticize my overprotective parenting but no gorillas were shot on my watch.
why do we call them railroad tracks and not training lines
I’m not an asshole. I’m just a guy who won’t tolerate stupidity unless it’s coming out of the mouth of a naked woman.
If like me you’ve ever been accused of being born in a barn and want to chat about it, remember, my door is always open.
Year 2055. Twitter dot com is downloaded into your head as a sentient being program. You post tweets via thought. People still manually RT.
Only Christopher Walken can get away with saying stuff like you wanted to chance at the dance but you forgot your pants.
A tartan is what you get when you sunbathe on the asphalt
Forgot your password?
Hint: your cat’s name~ a crazy cat lady’s worst nightmare
In China it’s considered bad luck to be eaten by a lion.
Me: You know, one nice thing about being snowed in all weekend is we haven’t had to spend any money.
Wife: (clicking add to cart) So nice.