I’m in a long distance relationship. My girlfriend’s in the future.
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Why can’t medications have positive side effects? Like “may make everything you eat taste like chocolate cake” or “may make you remember why you walked into that room the first time”.
My wife just told me 11 more things I do wrong after she said she wasn’t talking to me anymore.
*CVS lady hands me receipt
Me: we talk about these on twitter
CVS lady: why
Me: they’re long
CVS lady: is that what twitter’s for
Me: mostly
#inspiration #foodforthought
Nurse: we need to draw some blood
Me with a fine arts degree: *hastily reaches into backpack* i saved my good marker for this
Cop: Anything you say can and will be held against you.
Me: SCARLETT JOHANSSON
“What’s the worst that could happen?” I ask my son, as we enter the bear enclosure in matching Winnie the Pooh costumes
Twitter: Worchest… Worce… Woostishire, haha this word is so hard to spell, am I right?
Also Twitter: GIMME ALL THE SRIRACHA
Him: “I’ve seen people cry at weddings, but not the rehearsal dinner.”
Me: “I usually don’t cry…but these potatoes are just so awesome!”
Daisy: how are you
Gatsby: great
Me: I’m going to poop
Dog: Great I’m coming with you
me: I made a model of the himalayas
friend: did you build them to scale?
me: no, just to look at
friend: what
I don’t know who this Rorschach guy is, but he sure likes drawing pictures of my parents not being proud of me!
Being an aunt is easier than being a mom. All fun. No disciplining. And I get to hand the kids back.
WIFE: What are you doing?
ME: [struggling on floor] Yoga
WIFE: At the bottom of the stairs?
ME:
WIFE: You fell down the stairs
ME: Yes
Told a girl she’s more attractive when she’s not wearing glasses and she said I’m also more attractive when she’s not wearing glasses.
If Ann Coulter is tweeting then who’s guarding Azkaban?
Superman comfortably getting dressed in a phone booth indicates he had the body of a 10th grader.
BREAKING NEWS: lost city of atlantis found in detroit pothole
Ate half my sandwich prolly save the other half for later
Me *swallows pride*
Baby lion: holy shit
“Please refrain, Angry God, from using the Newspaper of Doom” the Spider King cries as he orders another sacrifice into your sleeping mouth
“Oh, we’re going for a 30 second car ride? OK, let me gather all of my worldly possessions and get a little naked.”
– my 2 year old
“Some people put a ton of research into their fantasy football team but I don’t get crazy with it” -my bf using two monitors with 3 spreadsheets and 10 tabs open
We’re at the top of the food chain, but let’s not be too full of ourselves.
After all, some of us can be felled by a single peanut.
My cat looks at me like “I would have been a god in ancient Egypt, I’ll have you know”.
Money issues can seem overwhelming until you break it down and realize all you need to do is bring in a million times more per day. See? No problem.
Whoever removed the 30th and 31st from February, come get the 14th too
Photographer: Ok. You two hold hands, & u, in the back, hold a gun to that guy’s head. Nice. I’ll add blush in post.
interviewer: would u say ur driven
[cut to my mom waiting in the parking lot to drive me home]
me: oh yes