why do people romanticize the 1950s? like calm down, we still have milkshakes and racism
You Might Also Like
Jesus: This is where I realized how heavy you are. This is where I tripped. And this is where I tried doing the macarena and dropped you.
Before seeing why your toddler has been quiet for 10 mins it’s best to first call the plumber and write your apology letter to the landlord.
[security patting down mouse]
“Any cheese on your person, sir?”
[waves another mouse over them like a metal detector wand]
“He’s clean.”
Freezing bananas before they go bad is a great tip I learned 6 months ago. Now I have a freezer full of bananas
The most unbelievable thing about Die Hard is that the office Christmas Party is happening on Christmas Eve.
For financial reasons, I’ll be giving everyone birthday gifs this year
My mom when I was a kid:
“Never talk to strangers.”
“Never get in their cars.”
Me to my future kids:
“Here’s how to order an Uber.”
You know it’s really easy to sit back and make fun of everything instead of trying to actually help. That’s why I do it.
I’m trying to eliminate negativity from my life so Monday’s will now be Taco Tuesday eve until further notice
My wife hates it when I say “You are just like your mother!”
Actually, she hates it when I say *anything* during sex.
Post that you’re pregnant on facebook: 88 likes and 31 comments.
Tweet that you’re pregnant on twitter: 2 stars and 491 unfollows
10 WARNING SIGNS THAT YOU’RE CURRENTLY READING A LIST
Harness the power of my dog’s wagging tail and we could step into a much greener future.
WIFE: Did you sleep with my sister?
INSOMNIAC: No
kidnapper: we have your son
dad: his fault for staying out all night
kidnapper: we took him from his bedroom
dad: well he probably wasn’t in bed like he shoulda been
kidnapper: he was
dad: on his phone probably
kidnapper: fast asleep
dad: i guarantee you he was faking it
Having to write cover letters is so dumb. Do u really believe my dream ever since I was a little girl was to optimize SEO for a mid level online publication? No. It was to ride a pony on a space rainbow. Grow up.
If you don’t want to play with me I’ll just play with myself!
– Overheard in 2nd grade today… Me too kid, me too.
this christmas when my grandma asks when i’m having kids i’m gonna look her dead in the eyes and say “i have decided to end our blood line once and for all” and just see what happens
Jacob Marley: You will be haunted, by three spirits
Me: Ok, like that’s any worse than being haunted by the stupid thing I said in science class back in 2000.
When I first heard the term hang gliding I thought the Americans had invented something even more theatrical than the electric chair.
I’m in a really bad place right now*
*in my neighbor’s driveway “stealing” my doordash that was delivered to the wrong house
I just learned that embalmers insert butt plugs into corpses to prevent leakage….
So now I know why zombies walk like they do.
[me and some other dude wearing the same shirt at a party]
me: “how did we both fit in this lmao”
After coronavirus is officially renamed, scientists admit they shouldn’t have put it to a public vote but will nonetheless continue to fight the spread of Diseasy McDiseaseface.
2008- This Master’s degree is going to change my life!
2019- I’ve got the worst pajamas in this dollar store.
why are math teachers so obsessed with proofs ??? bro WE BELIEVE YOU literally no one here is doubting mr pythagorean
I want to make fun of kanye but I’m always losing my shit on the internet too.
It feels mighty hypocritical.
My 16-year-old dog walked around to my side of the bed this morning & acted like he needed to go outside. As I got up, he proceeded to jump into my spot & promptly fell asleep.
Well played, old man. Well played.
“It was a different time.”
“It was this morning.”
“THAT’S A DIFFERENT TIME.”
Staying with my parents, part 6:
My mom: Oh hey, those fruit leathers you ate expired last month, just so you know.
Me: WHAT? Nooo!
Her: Next time you should read the box.
Me: I mean…I didn’t think I had to cause I trusted you
Her: lol that was your first mistake