Kanye West Presents:
KANYE ON BROADWAY
Featuring:
“Papa, Kanye Hear Me?”
“Kanye Feel the Love Tonight”
“I Am a Few of My Favorite Things”
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“Doesn’t it feel good to Payless?” no, i want to be rich & shop at good stores
Counted five pregnant women at this Noah matinee. Praying their water doesn’t break.
Judge: and how does the defendant plead
Lawyer: like this your honor *makes whiny voice *nooo I didn’t do any crimes*
Judge: HAH do it again
Most common statement made to me at the class reunion, “I heard you were dead.”
I never believed dad-senses were a real thing until I had kids but now I can smell weather and hear people changing the thermostat.
If there’s a red flag followed by several more flags, all in different bright colors, you got yourself a clown.
I woke up because of birds chirping.
I wish I had wings too.
I would fly to each of these birds & choke them one by one.
6 am is too early.
I bet you 5390.24$ you can’t guess how much money I owe my parents.
There are two types of people in this world. Those who make fun of Wordle. And those who can solve a Wordle.
Having kids is great because you get to ask fun questions like why is there a volleyball in the refrigerator?
[VIDEO] John Oliver Agrees With You For 22 Minutes
The lady across the plane aisle very rudely covered her watch that I was using.
My wife said I need to grow up. I was speechless.
It’s hard to say anything when you have 45 gummy bears in your mouth
People who are complaining of shoveling driveways, haven’t you heard of moving?
If you guys need me I’ll be strutting confidently through a parking lot toward a car that turns out not to be mine.
[Swims out to Sea]
*sees shark*
OH NO!
*dolphins save me*
Thanks dolphins!
*dolphins ask for a tip
[I’m broke]
*they return me to the shark*
Date: you know that was just a filter, right?
Me: *upset she’s not part puppy* it’s fine, I’m fine
Got Fired by the Zoo for Teaching all the Sloths Tai Chi
Did you know that you can tell the gender of an ant by throwing it in water?
If it sinks = girl ant.
If it floats = buoyant.
This is the cockiest hospital i have ever seen
I’m at the point in my life where “friend with benefits” just means a person who gives me their Bed Bath & Beyond coupons.
If I meet you for a date and you don’t look anything like your pic, you’re buying drinks for me until you do.
friend: I have a theory that the center of the Earth will cool and become solid
me: wow, that’s hardcore
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i have a metal skeleton and metal claws
professor x: oh sry we mainly fight a guy with magnetic powers so bringing you along would be kinda stupid
me: yeah [looks at camera] that would be stupid wouldn’t it?
Home buying tips:
-Up & coming area = Murders
-Good for young professional = Cheap bc of murders
-Open layout = See murders from the kitchen
I always cry at weddings, but only because being that close to large cakes makes me so happy.
Batman: so I’ve been tracking the Joker’s movements all night and we need to-
Robin: you LIKE him!
Batman: omg shut up lol I do not
My husband has recently discovered that he’s a coffee snob.
Husband: I think I’d like a grinder.
12yo: Download it from the app store
Me:
Husband:
12yo:
“Bigotry”
-an Italian guy describing an oak