You grab a lizard by the tail and those fuckers will just hit the “detach” switch and book it. If peoples legs did that, we’d be fucked.
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My grandma taught me it’s okay to use the really bad words only when someone messes with family, or when a bird shits on your head.
Anytime I go to the doctors I feel so ripped off. Whatever my complaint is, it’s always the same damn advice: “Lay off the methamphetamine.”
The Cheesecake Factory had a “Help Wanted” sign. I was really disappointed that it wasn’t to help eat the cheesecake. #FluffyChickProblems
Clark Kent: *absentmindedly takes off his glasses*
Lois Lane: oh my god are you … a plane?
channeling her this year
*FINALLY gets truck washed*
*immediately judges people’s dirty vehicles*
bartender: what’s wrong with you
best man: they kicked me out because i dropped the mike after the wedding toast
bartender: well that’s excessive-
best man: mike is the groom
I made the mistake of smelling one of my 6yo’s socks to see if it was dirty. I will now just assume all socks are dirty.
Satan: I’m gonna torture you for eternity
Me: I’m gonna call your dad and tell him how high you have the heat turned up in here
Satan: wait no
If pigs could fly it would make this pig catapult that I just built completely obsolete.
11: what do you mean I can’t have more sugar today? I only had 2 cinnamon rolls this morning and you had 3.
me: first off – get out of my house.
It’s painful when you lose an ex. It’s even more painful when they come back.
(pouring whiskey)
Wife: What are you doing? Didn’t they give you instructions after they vaccinated you?
Me: Yes they said to be sure to drink a lot.
Wife:
Me:…or stay hydrated…or something like that.
My friend told me he weighs himself before and after going to the toilet to see how much his shit weighs and honestly that’s so much better than my method
How do I explain to this bank teller than I’m just robbing her and not the bank?
*i open my briefcase, take out a picture of a block of velveeta cheese & slide it across the table to my financial manager*
how can i purchase one of these?
“wait..so its a face transplant”
“yes”
“but his voice’
“your voice is tied to your face how u look is how u sound this is just science”
“ok nic cage”
whoa whoa whoa we both like to laugh?!
*pretends hand is a telephone*
“Hello, Las Vegas? One marriage, please!”
Getting away from it all is great until you realize there’s no pizza delivery.
You look like someone who keeps gloves in their glove compartment.
sorry, eggs benedict are way too fancy for me. bring me some eggs steve
i don’t care if it will “benefit our community” stacy. i’m not gonna take off this garfield costume
If my girlfriend hired cheaters they’d just tell her “the whole goddamn day, he looked up from his phone twice and once it was to sneeze”
2 Smurfs stand over a body…
“What happened?”
“Choked on a sandwich.”
“Nobody helped?”
“No.”
“Didn’t they see him turning bl-”
“…”
“Oh.”
Dr: Does it hurt when I do this?
Me: Yes, a bit
Dr: And now?
Me: Yes, that’s very painful. Please stop showing me photos of you and my ex
If the characters can come alive in Toy Story, then why can’t my dishwasher play cleanup while I’m gone.
I wear a Fanny Pack to Olive Garden just so I can steal more breadsticks.
Learn what car your boss drives so you don’t give her the finger in the parking garage. I know that now
me: *on my 100th crunch at the gym*
employee: ur getting cheeto dust on the weights
One beautiful tradition in my mother’s culture is that if someone is sick,
the neighbours won’t hesitate to bring over food and help with errands,
but I can’t help but wonder when they will start getting suspicious over the fact that we’ve had the flu for 7 months now…