TORTURER: *panicking as he’s waterboarding SpongeBob* he’s just getting bigger
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Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
Sorry I looked completely surprised that your baby didn’t burst into flames when I chanted The Power Of Christ Compels You.
I started studying Tai Chi, so I wouldn’t recommend getting in a slow-motion fight with me…
My eyesight is good, but my strongest sense is non.
every single time
If anything bites you, chain yourself in the basement for the next full moon. Just to be sure.
*things I learned from horrors
Dating Tips.
C all her 69 times a day.
R ing her doorbell and hide.
E avesdrop by phone tapping.
E ye her bffs.
P oke her on FB.
husband just asked what I’ll do with my spare time when we finally finish all the renovations to our house and I said I’m gonna build a scale model of redwall abbey in the garden for the field mice and I think he thought I was joking
Ignorance is bliss, and rampant.
Look for the opportunities in life. Like when nobody’s looking and you can finally address that wedgie.
Welcome to your forties! You’re gonna need several doctors, no matter how many apples
The hardest part of parenting is sharing the chocolate chip cookies. And your heart walking around outside your body. But mainly cookies.
It has come to my attention that I was mistaken in my adamant assertion that Mountain Dew is in fact “morning dew collected from the sides of mountains.” I will not be paying you the one million dollars on our bet as I have no money. Sincere regards,
*Comments on Facebook picture*
“That headband your baby is wearing really accentuates her baldness.”
Going to start a band called The Subtweets. All songs will contain cryptic lyrics that incite paranoia in the crowd.
Just think, there is coming an entire generation of idiots who will wonder: “Why did they have a hashtag button on landline phones?”
Virgo: You will give blood generously this week, but it won’t be your idea.
Priest: look son, I think you should kick the habit
Me: ok
*nun screams*
5yo: I love tv
Me: if you love it so much, why don—
5yo: I’m going to marry the tv
It’s comical when I lean back in my chair only to realize it’s a stool.
[special ops briefing]
Leader: We’re going in deep & hard in the middle of the night
Me: I bet you say that to all the boys
L: Get out
*i drop my pen at work*
Guy who backpacked around Europe: that reminds me of this little village in the north of Romania
Cat: Human, congratulations, I’ve chosen your face to sleep upon tonight. If at some point you cannot breathe, do not wake me.
Calling giving something up Lent makes perfect sense because most of the things I’ve lent over the years have never come back.
Just turned a corner and bumped into a woman with drawn-on eyebrows.
I’m not sure which of us was more surprised.
It’s called a charm offensive. I’m like the softest baby bunny who doesn’t respect you.
No Karen, you can’t return your
eclipse glasses tomorrow and
claim they “didn’t fit.”
Did you guys ever prank your passed out friend by putting his hand in a bowl of warm water and then dropping a tiny toaster in it?