Travel experts recommend carrying a second dummy wallet when visiting high crime areas, but I carry a third wallet as well. If a mugger approaches I start an elaborate game of 3-card Monte. “Where’s the money?” I ask. “Wrong!” There is none, I’m broke from buying a third wallet.
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The last 3 minutes of any podcast could all be confessions to murder and we’d never know
3 unravelled an entire toilet roll when I wasn’t looking so I wrapped him in it, stood him in the corner of the bathroom and told him to spin round slowly when someone needs to use it
Conversational tip: For every minute that you spend talking about yourself, set aside 10 seconds for the other person to say something; give them time to give you a compliment.
[right before the quest for the holy grail]
king arthur: alright, WHO BROKE MY FAVORITE CUP?
I have no passwords left in me
My office computer just crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see whats happening.
Cats don’t have owners, cats take people hostage in order to feed them …
People are teaching their dogs how to skateboard and my dog’s chart at the vet says “must be picked up, won’t walk”.
For Halloween I’m giving out razor blades with candy in them. These kids’ll be shaving away and then BAM – nougat everywhere.
Hub: Let’s go see a movie
Me: Ok. How bout this one? *points*
H: Why do we have to see a movie with subtitles? I didn’t do anything wrong.
Her: You’ve changed.
Chameleon: Jesus, Karen, not this again.
You don’t know pissed off until she tells you to go sleep on the couch, an you take all the covers with you.
I can tell these edibles have finally kicked in by the way I’m caressing my burrito and whispering “Ay Papi” Into what I’m pretty sure is its ear.
The problem with hiding snacks from my kid is that when I forget they end up being hidden from me too
Might quit my job and become a content creator and live off the royalties for the next 19 seconds.
my friend’s kid asked me if i had any games on phone so i let her text my ex.
In Hell, you’re surrounded by people saying ‘suposably’ and ‘irregardless.’
*after sex, in a British accent
“Please sir, may I have some more?”
a massage is not enough I need to be rolled through a pasta machine
My 4yo is in complete shock after she found out her uncle is my brother.
I have decided to stop exercising and just learn Photoshop.
*singing* Got a feeling 22 is gonna be a good year
“Israeli scientists train goldfish to steer car”
*invents time machine*
*goes to 1930 germany*
*points guns at young hitler*
What gives u the right to ruin a mustache style for everyone?
“What do you get if you cross a monkey and a lion?”
I glance nervously over to the basement door, afraid she’s seen something she shouldn’t.
Clueless is my favorite movie about how rich people have real hard problems too
Judge: I’m disappointed to see you back in my courtroom.
Defendant: I’m disappointed to see you back in my courtroom.
J: Stop that.
D: Stop that.– repeat offenders
[at the playground]
“Welcome to Swingers Club. Sorry if you thought this was about spouse-swapping. Now who wants to give me a push?”
Put me in your bio so I know it’s real… Just kidding, I’d rather be in your will.
Who called it a shopaholic and not a boughtanist?
If it’s only polite to take your shoes off as a guest in someone’s home, stripping fully nude should be considered a truly honorable action.