Pouring a bucket of white marbles into the hippo pen will result in a lifetime ban from the zoo no matter how hungry they looked.
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The inventor of the wooden spoon: this will change cooking forever
Italian Mothers: I can’t wait to hit my kids with this
Twitter, 2016 (HT @iShami_ )
Some people are like water balloons; they’re more fun when you throw them out the window.
I’m gonna nail horseshoes on my nikes and gallop behind joggers
Me being confident.
I am 99% sure I did it, well 90% anyway.
Ok.. 50%.
Did I do it?
LIFE HACK: If a public restroom is locked, violently yank the door handle over and over like a gorilla and never accept that it’s occupied
Before I had a child, I never knew that quietly disposing of a balloon could feel so much like a murder.
My husband made me a really romantic dinner once. When I finished cleaning the kitchen a week later, I warned him never to do anything like that to me ever again.
Now that the coronation is over, perhaps King Charles will respond to my proposal for a noble quest.
If you see a woman sitting alone eating a kale salad just leave her and her sadness alone
I washed my shirts and they’re hanging out on the clothes line. They know what they did!
#gameofthrones greatest achievement this season: getting us to root for a guy to hook up with a woman we all knew was his aunt.
Boyfriend just put “fresh ginger” on the shopping list.
I’m not even 30 and he’s already replacing me. 🙁
[Bethsaida 28 AD]
BAKER: Such a huge crowd…I’m gonna sell so many loaves
“Five loaves please”
BAKER: Huh?
“Jesus is here”
BAKER: Sonuva
My daughter told me I was a dumb piece of poop today
Feeling grateful for all the years I spent in college and my response was, “ well so are you”
“No, you hang up”
No, you hang up.
“No, you hang up”
No, you hang up.
“No you hang up”*slams phone*
Why do I keep calling that parrot?!
Reported my coworker to HR for sleeping on the job. I work from home. My dog is my coworker. I’m HR.
I hate when I’m playing air guitar and I break an air string.
Man next to to me just said into his phone “You caught me in the middle of a sandwich.” He’s lying. He is not in a sandwich.
Reasons I visit a TL:
1. You’re a genius
2. You’re far from a genius
3. I like you
4. I know you hate me and want you to know I know
Lamaze instructor: What are you doing in here? You certainly aren’t pregnant.
Him: Doesn’t this class teach breathing to enhance relaxation & decrease pain?
Well I have teenagers.Instructor: Welcome to class.
boat question
Why doesn’t every mistake in real life I make have a squiggly red line underneath it?
some days i’m on top of this parenting game. other days I buy 2 bags of donuts and throw them and the kids outside.
I wish people would stop asking me if I’m on Twitter, clearly I’m not.
Netflix: Because you watched that one movie that had Christmas lights in the background of a scene, here are 37 Netflix original holiday movies you might enjoy…
Opening twitter feels like visiting a recently abandoned house – you can still see how things have been but every now and then a picture falls from the wall and no one bothers to look what’s causing the weird smell in the kitchen
In my defense, I’m not sure why you kept the bags of quicksand next to the bags of regular sand.
The amount of alcohol I would need to sleep with you would actually kill me.
ME: Diligently sanitizing countertops, faucets, door knobs, light switches, remote controls, phones, hands,
ALSO ME: Eating a piece of a Kit Kat I dropped on the floor because wasting chocolate? In these times?