Cop 1: You think Simon will escape?
Cop 2: Nah, he’s locked up in there good.
Simon: Simon Says free me.
Cop 1: Dang it, he got us.
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COP: Do you know why I pulled you over.
BLANKET: You were cold?
*throws bottle with note into ocean
*months pass
*bottle with note washes up on beach“Your rescue request is very important to us…”
[going down a slide at 4]: yayyyyyyyyyyy
[going down a slide at 40]: tell my storyyyyyyyy
[first day as a tampon designer]
Boss:
Me:
Boss: What kind of work did you do before?
Me: I made expandable dinosaur sponge toys.
what my late-night hot pocket sees
The opposite of goth is stopth.
My husband sent me a text using just emojis and it’s weird, you would think he would know by now that I don’t even like eggplant.
Marriage Counselor: Maybe you should change your responses to the things your wife says.
Me: Fine, I can do that.*two days later*
Her: Do these jeans make me look fat?
Me: Yep.
You’d be surprised how many times you can use the word succulent in a work email.
Everyone is awful in their own special way.
Hypothetically, when is the right time to tell your divorce attorney that you’ve never been married and you love spending time with him?
when will chicken evolve to the point where they hatch already coated in 11 secret yet oh so delicious herbs and spices?
Anyone know how to create an Outlook rule that sends every email to junk, deletes it, blocks the sender, and sets my laptop on fire?
Student: “May I go to the toilet?”
Teacher: “What for?”
Student: “To open the Chamber of Secrets”
You think they keep the lights low for ambiance, but really it’s cuz that restaurant hasn’t dusted since 1986.
some people recharge in nature. some people recharge at the olive garden.
This painting is titled:
Would It Hurt You To Put The Dirty Bowl In The Dishwasher?
since my comics are “too girly” i made one for boys
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
I don’t moan during sex, I prefer to yodel.
Enough with emails already. I’m only conducting business communication by Snapchat from now on.
Triscuits are great because it reminds us that our gums can get splinters too.
CASHIER: have a nice day
ME: how
the cat has to wear the cone of shame and i woke up to her standing over me like a homicidal lamp and any way i’ll never be going back to sleep again
Every Political Ad Ever:
I’m a rich guy who’s not like the other rich guy he’s a total douche.
*Paid for by my rich guy friends*
Feeling pretty tough lately and thinking about joining a gang. Any of you guys need an accountant?
Half of my Avengers socks have disappeared
*guy shows me his Chinese character tattoo*
“It means wisdom”*I show him a Batman BandAid on my arm*
“It means I was brave at the doctor”
I think my life exists only so an angel can show the successful me from an alternate universe of how much worse it could have been!
#alternative
You can tell a lot about a person by their reaction when you yell “look out!” while flicking a dinner plate at their head like a frisbee.