Just pointed out to my in-laws that their anniversary falls on hump day, so follow me for more tips on creating awkward family moments.
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Yup
Gangnam style!
But it’s just me putting my pants on in the morning
Lady at the door asked if I’d found Jesus and I was all HOW IS HE MISSING, IT WAS YOUR DAY TO WATCH HIM. I don’t think she’ll be back.
How do I like my eggs? Umm in a cake.
“I need to get laid man!”
– eggs (in the chicken)
I gave brutally honest script notes to a close friend and he really respected me for ending the friendship.
[Jack Black’s birthday]
Oh wow..ANOTHER rock polisher, thanks grandma.
“How is Rock School going dear?”
It’s School of ro- *sigh* nevermind.
I think it’s sad that getting married is one of the only ways to guarantee somebody will be forced to make a speech about how great you are
Lmao at people who ‘play Devil’s advocate’ like Lucifer doesn’t already own all the lawyers.
watergate? u mean a dam??
Balloons are all fun and games til they start to deflate and float around at eye level being terrifying
4yo: can you get this open for me?
Me: oomph this is kinda tough
4yo: use your claws
Me: *pouts at front facing camera*
Front facing camera: I have a girlfriend.
[zombie wedding]
Groom: *lifts veil*
Bride: That was my face.
Groom: *lowers face*
I think I know the stress of a guy disarming a ticking time bomb after my wife watched me while I unloaded the dishwasher.
H: “Whatcha doing?”
Me: “Going on twitter to hang out.”
H: “Twitter is an app, not a place.”
Me: *whispers venomously* “Is too a place!!”
You’d think cats would act more grateful that we sent Curiosity to Mars.
Craving that feeling of immediate regret? Invite someone to your house. Works for me
I’m forbidding the twelve people who regularly star my tweets to ever fly in an airplane together.
It was my turn to pick a team building activity on Zoom so I typed hide-n-seek in the chat and left the meeting
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*Nurse 1: I’m exhausted.
Nurse 2: I hate Labor Day.
you’re not really anticapitalist bro i remember that lemonade stand
[4 strangers are smearing their bodily fluids on each other]
[one turns to camera] “There has to be a better way.”
VOICEOVER: “Hot tubs.”
this… may be the greatest story ever told
[job interview]
“What’s your greatest weakness?”
I’m always hungry
“That’s not what I-”
*takes out a cake* Also, I don’t like to share
Him: Maybe you should start counting your calories
Me: Maybe you should start counting your days
[buying house plants] hey wanna come back to my place and die
My mouth says: Yes, yes! Keep eating that candy!
My pants say: For the love of god, I cannot hold on much longer!
apartment hunting is so sick. landlords are like hey we need you to hand-submit an application to our friend gary. he lives in a treacherous swamp. he will run a credit check and ask for a lock of your hair. 1st months rent is due on move in. please mail a money order to florida
judge: objection sustained. will counsel please rephrase the question.
me: alright, which *specific* Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle would you make out with and why?