My thoughts are with you but my prayers are reserved for Kelly on FB that’s cooking a casserole for the first time.
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Cleaning out my handbag. Wondering if nine pens are enough.
“are you sure these x-rays are safe?”
[doctor 12 feet away behind a lead wall] you’re fine
THEM: Don’t you want to have a baby?
ME: No thanks, I’m full
A conversation with your ex is a great way to clear the air, set aside hard feelings, and remind yourself why you drink.
The first one, obviously
Do cannibals just upload a bunch of pictures of their friends on Instagram?
chiropractor: so how’s your back been?
backstreet: alright
I work hard.
I play hard.
I do the groceries hard.
I cook hard.
I read hard.
I laugh hard.
I watch tv hard.– Viagra addict
[to the person sitting next to me at the movie theatre] you here for the movie?
Don’t try tell me how many months old your child is. I only recognize:
A. Potato phase
B. Shrieking pterodactyl phase
C. Tiny drunk person phase
I find it hard to believe that bears made porridge and the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.
[kid loses screens for not doing chores]
husband: it’s partly my fault he didn’t do them
me: then you can lose screens too
I asked my magic 8 ball about my romantic future and it said “I hope you like cats.”
“But I can’t conquer China, it’s way too big…”
Now Genghis, what do I always say?
*Sighs*
“I’m Genghis Khan, not Genghis Khan’t”
I’m a lover, not a fighter. So if anyone is giving you trouble and you need me to have sex with them, I’m your man.
Little known fact: Arizona’s state flower is pavement.
[walks in to UPS store holding rabid raccoon]
Hi my boyfriend said he wants to take a break so I’d like to ship him this please.
Me: lets go on a date
Her: umm
Me: what could go wrong
*25 minutes later we are being chased by a pack of raccoons*
*spills drink*
dammit these are my april pants
I’m a cat person. I sleep all day and spend the rest of the time trying to convince my wife I haven’t eaten yet.
trying to convince my straight friends it’s homophobic to not buy gay people presents during pride month
[Phish concert]
“I have to pee.”
“Go when the song’s over.”
“How will I know?”
Men: Take Route 2 to the 156 and get on the 7.
Me: I DO NOT KNOW WHAT THIS MEANS.
Statistically you’re more likely to be killed by a vending machine than a shark. But here at SharkVend™, we think we may have found a way to even those odds.
I like running up to kids, punching a puppy in the face and screaming “WHERE IS YOUR GOD NOW?” And that’s my long-term solution to religion.
Me: I’d like a nap please.
Domino’s employee: Ma’am, this is Domino’s.
Me: Ok one extra large nap and an order of cheesy bread.
If I don’t clean my house soon, someone is going to bring in blindfolded ppl for a Frebreeze commercial.
you never realize how long a minute actually is until you’re exercising.
Me at 20: I’m smarter than everyone in the world
Me at 28: I am so smart for going to the cheaper gas station