Pizza Hut Employee: I’m sorry but we don’t deliver bog grass. I’m not even sure what that is.
Moose: [incoherent bellowing]
You Might Also Like
My kid is not a good sleeper so I’ll fight pretty much anyone about pretty much anything.
the show The Witcher is incredibly unfaithful to the game. where are the shots of Henry Cavill spending 7 to 10 minutes unsuccessfully trying to climb a small wall
No I’ve never had a tumor removed, but I did uninstall facebook
It doesn’t make sense that there are so many poems about love, but there are no poems about hot, buttery mashed potatoes.
I may disagree with what you say, but I will defend to the death this little fort I made out of mashed potato with gravy as a moat and the carrots are cannons. Sorry, what were you saying?
Barber: “How would you like your hair cut, sir?”
Me: “With scissors.”
Barber: “Very good, sir.”
*puts samurai sword down*
Don’t even wrap my subway sandwich up, I’m wearing it out of the store.
My son said it was the best babysitter ever but the look on her face when we returned told a much different story.
You would think that if the wife left clean dishes in one side of the sink it would be okay for you to leave dirty dishes in the other side of the sink. You would think…
Me: Sometimes when I’m eating string cheese I pretend I’m a medieval torturer trying to get a confession from a prisoner.
Therapist: So, anyway, I’m going to double your meds.
“Dad, can you tell me what a solar eclipse is?”
No sun.
3: [eating] I want Pirates of the Caribbean
me: yeah, well people in hell want ice water
3: [smiling] I already got ice water
Me: I’m feeling short of breath.
Her: Maybe it’s because you just climbed the stairs after eating an entire party-sized bag of chips?
Me: *rolls eyes* I didn’t put the chips in my lungs, Brenda.
Diet tip: your pants will never get too tight if you don’t wear any.
If I turned into a “teen wolf” my first order of business would definitely be helping my basketball team get to the local championships!
one time i had sex while watching zootopia for the first time and she got mad because i kept looking at the movie lmaooooo… it’s a good movie smh
Currently on minute 137 of Easy~Bake Oven cupcakes. I’ll be live Tweeting their status as they crisp up over the next day or two.
It’s important when dieting to reward yourself and take a break. Then, when you return to your diet a decade later you’re all set to go
[baby born with silver spoon in mouth]
Doctor: What the hell?
The Untrained Meteorologist is a classic
🤣🤣🤣🤣
yelling “you’re not my real dad” is a faux pas
Honestly, the food pyramid seems pretty well balanced no matter what food goes on top.
texting my crush “hey infant” instead of baby so they know i’m smart and regularly use my thesaurus
My dog, a descendant of the wolf, runs to me and cries when a leaf gets stuck to his paw
One of the perks of being self employed is sex with the boss.
Many people don’t know the ceiling fan was invented when a plane crashed into a home and they just left it.
hey friend,
the list of things you texted me that you’d do for a Klondike bar has me concernedlet’s talk
Warning: objects in your rear may feel larger than they they appear.
Me: What does that cloud look like to you?
3-year-old: A cloud.
Me: No, what do you imagine it could be?
3-year-old: Rain.
A bouncy castle with a low cement ceiling to teach you not to have too much fun