Everyone fondly remembers the ’80s until you take away their cell phones.
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To anyone who will be spending their Valentines Day with their hand, know that you are not alone. I will be there with you, watching.
My husband made me a really romantic dinner once. When I finished cleaning the kitchen a week later, I warned him never to do anything like that to me ever again.
STAND-UP COMEDIAN: you know how after sex-
ME: [stands up all mad] this isn’t relatable at all
Little known fact: the eye is actually the least dangerous part of the entire tiger
sorry, eggs benedict are way too fancy for me. bring me some eggs steve
My safe word is extra cheese
…in queso emergency.
ME: My favorite movies are “Batman” and “Annie” because I love rich orphans who can punch real hard.
THERAPIST: Wow yeah okay, that more than enough to start with…
Guy who invented coffee:
“Don’t even talk to me until I’ve invented coffee”
Her: you ever done hot yoga?
*remembering getting stuck in a lawn chair last summer trying to reach my car keys*
Pretty sure
Sister, I can do this until twitter breaks
Him: I have feelings for you.
Me: I’d rather you have cake for me.
The moon is moving away from the earth at about 5 inches a year so it’s like the longest break up ever
My doctor says rubbing coffee grounds on your naked body helps prevent cellulite.
Apparently, you can’t do it in Starbucks.
And now the cops are here…..
There’s never enough good news
10 signs that he’s just not that into you
1.
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10. He is a cat.
you should always wash your sheets once a week in case they are really ghosts and need a shower
What’s it called when there’s a bunch of big dry leaves on a darkened path but only one of them comes tumbling towards you.
A rat. A rat is what.
*God inventing raccoons*
God: Hehe.. this’uns my lil bandit
Dude, u ok?
God: Ima give him a lil mask
Get some sleep
God: He’ll rob stuff lol
We’re in the exact point of climate change as when wile e. coyote runs off the cliff but hasn’t looked down yet
Genie: i will give you 3 wishes
Me: okay i’ll take 3 dolphins
Genie: i said wishes, not fishes
Me: dolphins are mammals idiot
I’m afraid my neighbors are starting to notice that I can’t tell them apart but greet each of their dogs by name.
There’s no “I” in angel.
But there is one in devil!
Put a picture of a random coworker on your desk to spice up the workplace
ME: Let’s go get some chicks
[later]
FRIEND: This isn’t what I had in mind
ME: Shhh *carefully places tophat on baby chicken* this is Abe
I ate so much bread yesterday, I checked Web MD to make sure that I couldn’t end up with a yeast infection.
[cornerman sitting me down after the first round] ya gotta stop telling him you’re diabetic he doesn’t care
You ever pump your gas slowly on purpose so no one realizes you only had $3 on you
Boss: Why do you look so sad?
Me: I actually paid a college hundreds of thousands of dollars so I could do this
am i a vampire? i :
– look great in black
– won’t come to your home unless formally invited
– avoid natural sunlight at all costs
– will die if stabbed through the heart with a stake
Daughter: Dad take this Buzzfeed quiz and find out which Spice Girl you are.
Me: I already know…I’m Hospice.
Daughter: