[yelling over the music to club DJ]
ME: YOU DONT HAVE TO HOLD THOSE HEADPHONES UP TO ONE EAR THEY GO ON YOUR HEAD THEY’RE CALLED HEADPHONES
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You’re eating Cheetos on the couch and playing a video game. Your “battle cry” isn’t striking fear into the heart of anyone but the dog.
IM CRYING AT HIS REPLY
Me: [puts dog food into dish]
My dog: eh I’m not hungry
[1 minute later]
Me: [opens package of cheese]
My dog: oh great I’m STARVING
Donald Trump said he thinks we made the right decision to leave the EU. This confirms that we absolutely did not make the right decision.
I told my 5 year old that he was allowed to choose 1 item from the grocery store so we’re walking home with a cart.
We’re severely underutilizing the concept of groundhog’s day. We should be ripping more animals out hiding and asking them unknowable questions about the future at least weekly
How come when I was a kid and lost a tooth it was all “Look at you, big guy!,” but now it’s just “Bro, you really gotta reconsider your life choices.”
Some people are hope, some people are nope.
Choose wisely.
Gummy vitamins for dads called Dadgummit.
I can’t take this anymore. I’m breaking into the zoo and throwing myself into the meerkat exhibit
Me: What should I do if someone breaks in while you’re at work?
Him: Give him a slice of that meatloaf you made last night, and I’ll bury him when I get home.
90’s style insults need to come back.
Been itching to tell someone they need to go to the clue store to get one.
Do furries go to doctors or vets?
Ive always hated math because, in my head, all the word problems sounded like this:
The spaghetti envelopes are triangular. Find X.
Feeling so jealous of the students in stone age. They didn’t have to study history too much because nothing had happened yet.
brain: cactus.
me: ok.
brain: touch it.
me: but it’s sharp.
brain: i know but HOW sharp.
[etched on my tombstone]
THE DIET STARTS TOMORROW
How to be a politician 101:
Answer all yes/no questions with the words “Well, look” and then answer a completely different question.
I’m choking laughing omfg 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
Define “no more Twitter or I will leave you.”
I vacuumed up a huge spiderweb & then heard a thump in the workout room.
The spiders are lifting weights before they attack me aren’t they?
The real monsters are the people who hand you money with the bills not all facing in the same direction.
asked my mom about this guy Ben in my hometown and she said “no one cares about that Ben anymore, there’s a hotter Ben now”
Of course I can cook, what kind of cereal would you like
interviewer: why do you want to work here?
me: to be able to afford food
interviewer: we’re really looking for someone motivated by the job
me: …do you think your job is better motivation than not starving to death?
“I don’t even own a book” – Medieval Hipster
If a malevolent demon is watching you sleep, simply go to Settings > General > Privacy > Malevolent Demon Who Watches You Sleep (Deactivate)
Menopausal symptoms can be fatal. They almost killed my husband.
I drove by two different First Baptist churches today.
One of them is lying.
Ooh. Remove card RAPIDLY, not RABIDLY. I think I owe the lady at pump 2 an apology.