Women like men who make plans, commit to those plans, and still have a few surprises left in them. This is why your girlfriend is obsessed with serial killers.
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How I like cutting carbs
I’m sad… I’m gonna eat some feelings.
*6 hours later*
S.W.A.T. Leader: Sir, she’s eaten the feelings of the entire team! She… *static*
BOSS: OK! Who smashed a hole through the wall?!
[Everyone in the office stares at me, even the Kool-Aid man]
Men think us women dream of finding the perfect man when really, all we want is to eat anything without getting fat.
Putting on a bra is like trying to wrestle two pigs into a potato sack.
dentist: it’s important that you don’t scratch your enamel. understand?
me: yes
dentist: great. now open wide so i can claw your teeth with these steel hooks
[g/friends dad]
“who in your opinion is the greatest football player of all time?”
Me – [say a real name say a real name] “Football Man”
At some point I need to admit my ‘guilty pleasure’ music taste is just my music taste now
you never realize how long a minute actually is until you’re exercising.
Girl: I dumped my last boyfriend cause he always gave short answers. I never knew what he was thinking. That’s so annoying, right?
Me: Word
Me: !!Ugh!! YOUR DAMN DOG IS STARING AT ME AGAIN!
Him: Just ignore him.
Me: I’m trying!
Him: I was talking to the dog…
Man buns are just the beginning, next thing you know it’ll be ok for men to have anything on their heads, like a goat or a small child
My whole life feels like that feeling you get when you take a multiple choice test and the answer you got isn’t one of the choices listed
Doctor: What’s the problem?
Liam Neeson: Unknown
Doctor: Does it hurt?
Liam Neeson: Non-stop
Doctor: Are you on painkillers?
Liam Neeson: Taken two
Doctor: Are you just listing your films?
Liam Neeson: Batman Begins
Blink once if you’re ok and Blink 182 if you ditched your career to find UFO’s.
so many bosses have told me some variant on ‘it seems as if you’re only here for the paycheck’ and like. yeah
My yoga instructor was drunk today.
Put me in a very awkward position.
(Dracula has social anxiety and can’t attend the auction)
Dracula: (texting me) DO MY BIDDING
my fitness device congratulated me on “playing ice hockey” and told me i burned 300 calories over the past 20 minutes.
i was eating a Wendy’s baconator.
Don’t wake a sleeping baby, and don’t make eye contact with a playing toddler.
Eighty seven percent of single people are single because they don’t want to share their pizza with anyone.
Whoever said “time heals all wounds” deserves a swift kick in the teeth.
She was Hannah Montana when Bush was president. Thanks, Obama.
BOSS: Why aren’t these documents attached together?
ME: Sorry I couldn’t find my…[suddenly forgets the word stapler]…desk crocodile
The flintstones are proof that man lived with dinosaurs
[at grocery store]
Son: Why is this peach fuzzy?
Me: That’s nothing. You should’ve seen them in the 70s
My dental hygienist is probably thinking, I bet i could braid this guys nose hair.
I fantasize about you, but I also fantasize about the day I’ll show someone up in a dance battle, so it’s not saying much.
When you’re shopping with your mom and accidently lose track of her
Sad news. My girlfriend Lorraine has dumped me.
She found out I was seeing another girl called Claire Lee.
Good news is, I can see Claire Lee now Lorraine has gone.