All parents share a common truth:
that children are wonderful, from the day they are born, til the day they can talk.
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Sure I have empathy. I sense you want some of my coffee and I feel really terrible for you.
Me: Why isn’t the water working?
Kid:
Me:
Kid:
Me:
Kid: I shut it off to practice being a plumber
Me: There it is
Him: why doesn’t anyone want me?
Me: I want you.
Him: why doesn’t anyone else want me?
me: hey how much for the dinosaur
guide: that’s a giraffe
me: how much
guide: the animals aren’t for sale
me: ok gimme two of these giant broccolis how much
guide: those are trees
me: [sighs] how much
Taco Bell is really the only place you can still get gas for $1.29 at the moment.
My son just called his mom an “interrupting chicken” so I’m real keen to see how this plays out
Me: Who had two thumbs and just had a bandsaw accident? This guy
Doctor: Which Guy?
Angel: Here’s the final human mold *drops it*
God: *creates mom look*
Angel: Are you mad?
God: No, just disappointed
Them: I really really really want a zigga zig ahhh
Hostage negotiator: ok but you need to let the women and children go first.
me: [putting socks on after sex]
her: now you have two pairs on
Ran into someone that said “oh I haven’t seen you in a long time” and I was like I know I did that on purpose.
I don’t drive a flashy car, but the cop behind me does.
[Fitbit commercial with me]
BEFORE: lazy guy
AFTER: lazy guy who had $129
MURDERER: *chasing me* YOU’RE GOING TO DIE!
ME: *yelling behind me* WE ALL ARE!
A wedding is like inviting your family and friends to the dock to watch you leave England on the Titanic.
meeting mom’s new boyfriend for the first time and I’ll be looking for the first possible opportunity to scream “UR NOT MY REAL DAD” then slam a door
Woke up thinking I’d look good in yellow.
Nope, looks like I was eaten by a shredded wheat box.
I eat my gummy bears 2 at a time ..no one should die alone
[a bunch of henchmen just shit-talking the name Bruce]
(from the shadows) um Bruce is actually a really cool and good name
The heels stay on during sex because I only painted the toe nails that were showing.
Sarah Palin being on a climate change panel with Bill Nye is like Sarah Palin being on a climate change panel with Bill Nye.
Santa is basically a fat man who doesn’t understand how robbery is supposed to work.
It’s a bird. It’s a plane. It’s a pedestrian. Seriously, you’re hitting everything with your car.
[My funeral]
Boss: *Solemnly placing his hand on my casket and sobbing* how could you do this to me after I told you you’re essential
[I open my lunchbox at work to find an apple]
‘But that means…’
[Cut to Isaac Newton in 1666, jumping up from under a tree while wiping cold spaghetti out of his eyes]
New Year’s Eve is just a myth created by the government to sell you more years
date: are u a tender lover?
me: more of a dino nugget guy
[after 47 minutes of listening]
okay usually when someone says “what is wrong with me” it’s rhetorical but thanks for the feedback
Wild bee: just getting snack
Me: no prob beeMason bee: just make house
Me: build a way bHoney bee:jus sampling the lavenders
Me: you know I got an assortmentBumble bee: hey *bonk* I jus *bonk* I h
Me: *holds flower still*Wasp: I’LL SEE U IN HELL
Me: U TELL THEM WHO SENT U
Jello shots because who doesn’t like adding a lot of work and time to taking a shot…